BLIND GOSSIP

The #1 Blind Item Site in the World!

Actor Was Controlling And Abusive

[BBC] When Anna, an actress, fell in love with an older and more successful actor he seemed like the perfect man. They quickly became engaged – but then he began to change. It took time for her to realise that her fairytale romance had become an abusive relationship.

…

I was working in a play at the time, and one of the other actresses told me that he was coming to see us perform that night.

…

We swapped numbers straight away. It turned out he’d already followed me on Twitter after seeing me in a show – I later discovered this was his first move with anyone he was attracted to.

A few days later, we ended up meeting for a coffee, and he was lovely. I remember thinking, “Wow, this is so amazing.” And then the texting began, which, looking back, should have been a huge red flag. I’d receive 50-100 messages a day, long ones. At one point he said to me, “I send you really long messages and I only get one sentence back.” I was pretty busy with my play and other things and I think anyone would have struggled to keep up with the volume.

He used to say that after our second lunch he’d realised he was in love with me. He came to see me perform, took me out for dinner and took a massive interest in my life, my childhood, and my family. I thought he was so different from the guys I’d been out with before.

…

Two days after my birthday, I stayed over at his house, and we slept together for the first time. There had been a couple of opportunities before then, but he hadn’t pressured me – which also made me think he was great.

He asked me to be his girlfriend the morning after. I said yes. The same day he gave me a whole talk about how now I was with him, the press were going to be interested in me, and how people were going to say bad things about him to me because of who he was.

Then he asked me if I’d read his Wikipedia, because I hadn’t ever seen his work and he said that I should get to know what he’d done. I said, “You’re sitting right in front of me, I’ll get to know what you’ve done from you.”

A couple of days later, he told me that he’d been thinking a lot and was getting really jealous about my ex-boyfriends and my past. He told me that he needed time to work on himself and would really appreciate it if I didn’t talk about them.

…

[Anna agrees. They move in together after three weeks of dating. Then he proposes.]

…

He had the engagement ring made based on one he’d seen five years earlier – before we’d even met. I hated it. It was made with his favourite stone, and it felt like I was fitting the ring, this perfect image in his head once again, rather than the ring being picked for me.

I had been struggling with work and it upset me to find that he was patronising and dismissive of my career. He would talk to me as though I didn’t know what I was doing. But actually I’ve been in the industry for years and done well – I just haven’t had his commercial success.

On the night of our engagement party, he didn’t make an effort with my friends at all. Afterwards, when everyone had gone home and we were opening our cards, I said, “Thanks for being so cool about Robbie being there” – Robbie was a friend I’d had a brief fling with in the past.

Thom had had a glass of champagne on the day we got engaged, but otherwise this was the first time he’d really drunk alcohol around me. He was steaming drunk, and he just flipped. He picked up a book he’d bought about jealousy and threw it across the room in my direction. He threw a marble ornament off the balcony and started screaming and swearing at me. He called me a slut, and told me to take my ring off and get out of his house.

…

One day the following week he came home from work and said that I made him want to kill himself. He talked about going to hospital, but didn’t because he was working the next day. This already wasn’t completely unexpected. Whenever we had an argument he’d begin by being aggressive and abusive, tearing me down piece by piece, then he would turn on the tears. In his eyes, he would always be the victim.

I wasn’t ready to leave him at that point but I began to be scared of him. It started to affect me physically, and I stopped eating. I told one friend what had happened, but I was too embarrassed to tell anyone else. This man was my fiancé and I didn’t want anyone to think badly of him.

However, his drinking escalated, and the arguments and the control and the abuse continued. He used everything he’d so carefully found out about my family against me. He said that my brother was a drug addict, my dad abandoned me, and my mum wasn’t a good mum. He said things he would later say he never remembered saying.

I’d tell myself that all couples argue, it’s never going to be perfect. But then not all boyfriends call you a slut and tell you to get out of their house.

If I had a friend over, I’d be really nervous about when he was coming home. I didn’t know what would happen, I didn’t want other people to see his anger, and I didn’t want to annoy Thom by having a friend there. It became a daily question: what is he going to do today? What landmines am I going to have to avoid? I had a ball of anxiety in my stomach.

If he was trying to isolate me from my friends, he was beginning to have some success. And for some reason, I began to feel I didn’t want my family at my wedding. I still don’t know how he got me to feel this way.

I made my career fit around his, and arranged any work around his schedule so I could go and visit him if he was away. After we got engaged, he told me to quit my side-job, which I enjoyed for its social side, and he said he’d put £2,000 in my bank account.

…

[Anna finds out that Thom just emailed another ex and called her the C word. Anna finally leaves Thom.]

…

I don’t think he thought I was going to go. From the day we met to the day I left, it wasn’t even six months. But luckily I had amazing people around me who could see what was happening and dragged me out of it, even though it wasn’t easy.

The hardest thing about getting out was trying to decipher what was the real him and what was the fake him – questioning whether this guy I met was just a character he was playing, to draw me in. I also had to come to terms with the fact that I’d been in an abusive relationship.

BG Note: You can read the entire story here.

Similar: Thin Or Really Thin

Actor:

[Optional] At what point do you think you would have exited this relationship?

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. ItsBouquet says

    It’s probably not them, because they actually got married not just engaged but I wonder if they had a similar relationship: Elisabeth Moss and Fred Armissen. She said that the greatest impersonation he’s ever done was pretend to be a normal person. He’s previously said that he’s not a good boyfriend/husband and he rushes into relationships.

    Either way, thankfully the woman left before marriage. How awful.

    50/100 texts a day and I would have ghosted him!

    • athyrmose says

      I thought what she actually said was more aligned with ‘human being’ than normal person. I mainly remember laughing about it because it was a pretty sick burn (whereas normal person is less so).

  2. JHntr113 says

    50-100??? Ugh, Psycho! I would have been blocked him after 10 texts in a row, if not sooner, especially if the texts came while I was working.

  4. missgee66 says

    I don’t know who the actor is, but I don’t think it’s Steve Coogan. He does a lot of work with the BBC (who published the article) is a recovering addict (so wouldn’t be getting drunk) and is also on good terms with many of his exes. I also doubt that with his acting, running his production company, and writing, he would have time or inclination to send hundreds of long texts a day. He’s also open about liking sex so I can’t see him turning any opportunity down just to impress someone.

  5. deering says

    That “he sweeps me off my feet, so he of course loves me” romantic myth really needs to die. It’s a tactic creeps like this rely on to suck victims in. The incessant texting would have been a flag for me, but the break point would have been the command not to talk about exes. Ugh.

  8. SouthJerseyGirl says

    A British actor so not sure.

    Would have left after he told me to read Wikipedia. He’s a dangerous man with a real problem.

  9. amagod121 says

    Changing my answer to Sean Penn as the BG actor did a lot of texting and was available 4 dating 4 some time. DeNiro is probably too old 4 Twitter & texting, & not divorced long enuff to date a lot of women.

  10. Spyci Paprika says

    Have no idea who the actor is, but he sounds like a text book psychopath. They lure you in quickly so you don’t have time to make logical decisions, and instead to make them impulsively. Extremely loving and charismatic, and make themselves look like Prince Charming. The second they have you in their cage, they show who they really are.

  11. fozzie says

    Wow this one is hard. British actor, probably on TV, short term engagement to a fairly unknown stage actress. I can’t wait to see the guesses because I have no idea.

  12. parkland45 says

    I would’ve left this sick pup when the texting deluge began. That was one huge red flaming flag.

  15. spookie says

    I’d get red flags as soon as he vetoed discussing exes. Most of us start relationships having been in other relationships before, which have affected, changed, shaped who we are. We don’t still have feelings for those ex partners, but suppressing the past is overkill.

  16. amagod121 says

    Robert De Niro.

    I would have upped and left after being called a sl*t. If not sooner.

  17. Jelly Drop says

    My first thought was Henry Cavill but i figure he is more famous and younger than the man in this story. I am a bit stumped.

    I’m a social worker and have worked with domestic violence survivors. This guy is on the edge of being dangerous. Anyone that’s ever mean would raise flags. I have been with my partner for nearly 23 years and he has never said a mean word my way. Neither have i to him. You can be angry but being mean comes from cruelty. That means trying to win and control.

  19. Musicsunlight says

    After the first 20 Text messages of the day I would have known potential psycho by the next day 100 texts later I would have been gone.

  20. equinox says

    This is Steve Coogan and his Dowton Abbey actress ex girlfriend Daisy Lewis. He’s twenty years older than her. She was in a stage play with James Norton in 2016 and after one of her performances there were pap photos of Coogan yelling at her in the street outside a Soho bar.

    • ChattyCat says

      I recently saw a tv show about Steve Coogan – a behind the scenes exposé of his tour. There’s something creepy about him…for one, he’s very moody and seems to dread his job. Depp & Cruise immediately came to mind but I’ll go team Coogan.

  22. mrs_right says

    I have no idea as to the actor or actress, but the actor ticks all the boxes of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These people are energy vampires. Kudos to Anna for getting out as soon as she did. Let this be a lesson for anyone reading her account: Avoid these people like the plague they are. Once you can recognize the signs, it’s easier to get out early. So scary.

  24. stillmb says

    Been there & lived that for 3 years . After a while you start to question your own sanity.
    The nice guy was the role he was playing. And he will never change. Get out & stay out for good.

  26. TeaDrinker says

    Actor: No idea but I’m glad she left him.
    Optional: I think the minute he called me that vile name he used on her would have been when I would’ve packed things in. Disrespect, especially so soon after meeting someone is a huge red-flag. Most people are on their best behavior in the first few months to year but if he was already like that weeks later, imagine how much worse he would get as time went on!! Dangerous man to be around.

  27. I Am PunkA says

    Whoever it was, classic case of Borderline Personality Disorder.

    Sad truth is people fail to see the mental illness in others until too late. Think it’s just weird or controlling behavior, but there is often much more to it, and what is causing it to happen. Mental illness makes things really tough. Normalcy doesn’t exist when it is present.

    Glad she got out before marriage. I didn’t until after. No kids luckily.

    Actor: British.

  29. badgerette85 says

    Actor- I don’t know but probably British
    Op- warning signs would have erupted after receiving all those lengthy text messages. 50-100 per day??? I may have continued but as soon as everything revolved around HIS accomplishments and the jealousy of past relationships, I would have bolted.

  30. Ramblingirl says

    I have no clue other than they are British.

    But anyone sending 50-100 long texts daily is whackadoodle. Ginormous red flag right there.

    And a ring he’d had for 5 years? No way.

    Sounds like a raving sociopath.