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Affair Has Her In High Dudgeon

BG Note: Dear Prudence is an personal advice podcast.

[Slate] I’ve been having an affair with a famous person for years, but do I need to alter my expectations?

 

Dear Prudence,

I have a long-standing friends with benefits situation with a man substantially wealthier, more famous and powerful than I am. This has been going on for about eight years now.

We live on separate coasts so we have literally slept together twice in all that time, but we email and text fairly often, including not only sexy-time stuff but some really intimate, confessional conversation.

When we met, we were both married. His marriage fell apart. It’s something he blames or credits me for, which is silly, because I am clear-eyed enough to know he screwed around all the time.

My own marriage has held. My husband knows what has happened, at least the physical encounters, and while he’s not thrilled, he lives with it. He’s had his own infidelities, which I’m semi-OK with, and I guess you could define our relationship as not exactly open, but tolerant. Also, he’s a fan of this guy, so it’s sort of one of those freebie list situations.

So here’s the problem: I don’t want to run away with this guy or anything, but I think about him in high dudgeon every day. I know he thinks about me occasionally too, but he also has moved on to a new, serious girlfriend. Twenty years his junior, manic pixie type, but now I’m being petty. And the power differential is pretty extreme. We both recognize that – sometimes ruefully, sometimes thrillingly – but it obviously doesn’t hit home in the same way with him as it does with me because, you know, power differential.

Is there any way for me to maintain this lovely, bantering, occasional relationship I have with him and not feel needy when he drops out for long periods to deal with his busy, glamorous life?”

BG Note: “High dudgeon” = anger or resentment

Similar: Overcompensating For Affairs

Male Celebrity:

[Optional] What would you advise her to do?

Reader Interactions

Comments

  6. delray74 says

    I don’t know about her but I would tell the husband to run like hell and get tested on the way

  8. Sharper_Teeth says

    This has to be about Ewan.
    Or maybe Ben A?
    sounds like more trouble than it’s worth.

  9. Aurelia says

    Male: Just for fun…Dustin Hoffman
    Advice: Wake up, before she p*sses another second of her life away.

  10. OhSoLittleMouse says

    I would advise her to grow the * up and to work on setting on her own marriage straight

  11. KCeagle says

    Donald Trump ?
    Les Moonves ?

    She should do whatever her heart and head tell her. Her husband knows and is blase about it. Become the the honcho guy’s dungeon mistress and spank some sense into him. Powerful men usually gave BDSM issues. He’s been a naughty boy and needs some discipline. lol

  13. Justmyself says

    Don’t know, but stop sleeping around all of you! You all are why no one takes marriage seriously.

  15. amagod121 says

    Him: Ewan McGregor

    Advice: Ditch Mr. Potential STD, get tested for STDs, insist that your semi-faithful husband do same, and then stop skruing around (both of you.) Geesh!

  18. PomegranatePam says

    I’ve read a lot of affair confessionals, but this one is extra annoying. I think it’s her overt self-awareness and the matter-of-fact lines like, “it’s sort of one of those freebie list situations.” Oh, one of those!
    They all deserve each other, so I don’t care to give advice. As to who it could be, I’m sure all male celebrities keep several women on retainer.

  19. LavaMama says

    Male Celebrity: Ewan McGregor

    Optional: Nothing. He’ll go back to her for the companionship and maybe the sex, but she doesn’t have to do anything but wait.

  20. bluekisses07 says

    Male Celebrity: Mel Gibson
    worth under half billion, tons of Hollywood connections, quick to blame women for his problems. blind says was blamed for his marriage ending. he was cheating on her the whole time. (fits Mel’s M.O. in my opinion)

    Currently with Rosalind Ross who is 27. old enough to be her dad, (gross) had a baby with her. he has more money than he’ll ever spend in lifetime but having all these kids does really spend time with them? 35 age diff is the only issues not fitting…

  22. Brunettetalk says

    Get a life, live a real life not a fake one. Stop wasting time. You are putting energy into something that will never pay off. Get real friends who love and support you, not some fantasy. He’s moving on. So should you

    • oldstephens says

      Just ended a similar situation 3 weeks ago. I can’t stop thinking about him. I rage at myself for thinking about him. Day by day, each day is a little better and accept the break a smidge more. Evenings are the worst time. He was bad for me in so many ways, some bad bad ways. But he made me feel desirable and interesting. But he betrayed me in many way. Webcammed our sex acts and denied denied denied he had cams. The cams I saw blatantly with my own eyes.

      Still, My heart aches.

  25. Bystander says

    Optional: Assuming this is Brad Pitt, I would have been satisfied with an autograph and a photo with him. Drop him, you got more than a fan could ever hope for!

  26. Epitome says

    It isnt Trump.

    And power differential would eliminate people like Thicke and Mel Gibson (who, despite the money, is just able to poke his head up in Hollywood, which would suggest power isnt commensurate with cash).

    Moonves is a better option if she is on east coast and he the left coast. Especially if Rowan is after him …

    On other hand, it seems like political or wealthy powerful CEO on east coast (power differential).

  28. research boy says

    Amusing to see all the “Ewan McGregor” guesses, considering that the “separate coasts” reference means they’re both in the USA.

    But even more amusing to see Dirty Rotten Brits suggested so often without the name “Jude Law” coming up, even once. Yes, Jude is dating the age-appropriate Phillippa Coan now, but you’d think someone would have named him, just out of habit.

    No actual guess for me. Advice? End it. You had your fun, you’re not getting more. Time to move on.

  30. just guessing in brooklyn says

    I see a lot of people guessing Ewan McGregor but I don’t see why. Can someone explain?

  31. TexMexLex says

    Ben Affleck? Brad Pitt?

    I would advise her that the only reason she’s holding on to this guy is because she loves knowing she has semi attention from this famous/powerful man. Take a reality check and realize that she’s not even a side chick to this guy.