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A Weird One Night Stand

alia shawkat 2[Blind Gossip] Actress Alia Shawkat of Arrested Development fame recently told a story about a weird one-night stand she had with a famous actor.

Her story was captured and cleverly animated by Viceland’s Party Legends, which is a collection of entertaining party stories from celebrities like Dennis Rodman, Fred Armisen, TJ Miller, and Margaret Cho. Party Legends airs Thursdays on Viceland at 10:30 pm.

We’ve included the video below. Here is a summary of Alia’s story about her one-night stand with the famous actor, whom she calls “Cary Grant”:

My name’s Alia Shawkat. We were at this party at this famous actor’s house. For the purpose of this story, I probably shouldn’t say whose house this was. Let’s say it’s Cary Grant because I’d love to imagine hooking up with Cary Grant.

alia cartoon 2So I go up to him. And he’s got smoky eyes. Kind of a mysterious, intense dude. I walk up to him. I was like, “Hey. So I’m leaving.” And he was like, “Cool.”

I said, “Yeah. But I really wanted to kiss you.”

And he, like, looks at me defiantly. He said, “Walk into that room and close the door.” In my mind, I was like, “F*ck! That worked!”

So I go into this room. I close the door. And right as I’m closing the door, he comes in through another door. And he looks at me. And I’m thinking, “Oh, f*ck. This is on!”

He approaches me and pins me against the wall. And he says, “One kiss. Just one kiss.” We make out. It’s really hot. And he says, “Give me a second. I’m gonna get everyone in the party to leave. 15 minutes later, he cleared out the party.

He is directing me things to do, which was really hot. He goes, “All right. Take off all your clothes.” And then, “All right. I need you to go take a shower ’cause I want to go down on you and I need you to be clean.” And I was like, “Okay.”

So I go into the shower. And the whole time, I’m thinking, “Can’t believe you’re in the house with this guy. Like, what’s going on? Just go with it. You’re chill.” And then I come outside. He takes the towel. He puts it down. And he makes me stand in front of the mirror. And he has a razor. “I’m gonna shave you now.” “Okay.”

So I’m looking at myself directly in the mirror with my legs open. And he’s down on his knees. And he’s shaving my vagina. And I was looking at myself like, “You’re still in there. The real you’s in there. Just enjoy this.”

alia cartoonSo I sat on the bed. He had a warm bowl of water. He delicately shaved me f*cking baby-clean. Like, nothing there. The whole time, I’m just trying to be like, “Mm-hmm. We’re into this.” And we continued to hook up. We started to have sex for a little while.

And then he completely switches.

He starts standing up and running around, “I can’t do this!” and “I’m not supposed to be doing this!”

And I’m there, with a freshly-shaved v*gina, saying, “Uh, we are doing this.” He keeps walking around the room pacing. And then he comes back. And we’re hooking up. And then we start to have sex again.

And then just the same thing. Four times, on and off, like bipolar. And he asked me, “How old are you?” “I’m 20.” “You’re — you’re only 20? I shouldn’t be doing this anymore!”

I’m thinking, “Get over your f*cking self. We’re just two adults, semi trying to have a weird experience.” He was trying to make it so dramatic.

Then he found a joint in this dirty ashtray and was so happy to find the joint. I thought, “Maybe that will chill you out.” We both pass out for a little while. Then I wake up. And he’s still asleep. And it’s like 5:00 a.m. or something. I call a car and go back home.

Later that morning, I woke up. “Did that shit happen to me?” And I looked under the covers. “Yeah. It happened. There is nothing down there!”

It was just the weirdest experience. Any time I see him in a magazine or in a f*cking movie… that’s the weirdest part about Hollywood because you see these people around, you know? He was just like a f*cking weirdo.

I ran into him once at a bar. And he was kind of drunk. He said, “Look who it is.” I was like, “I think we should just never talk to each other again. I think that’s the best way to handle this.”

Similar: Super Papa Mia

Cary Grant:

[Optional] Have you ever had a one-night stand?


Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. spoofbyrd says

    and the David Duchovny is a good runner up , The Depp ,Gosling , Cage , Affleck , and Decaprio Nah! and Charlie Sheen no way . How about Jonah Hill for a third ?

  4. NoseyNana2008 says

    I don’t know who *he* is but I would have taken that story to my grave. Who lets a man do that to them?

  5. spoofbyrd says

    I like the Jon Ham guess. That guy is getting up there and he has guilt over his sadistic Frat boy incident and is always struggling with his inner savage . So he knocks down the booze and indulges in this when he has a relapse. If girl is 20 it is hardly pedphilia people . Some girls do’t mind hooking up with men old enough to be their fathers or eve Grandfathers but usually they want more than just sex . Girl was just tired of his wishywashiness . and Yes to the onenighter

  6. JennyJustice says

    No clue about who the actor is, but I can’t believe this woman would relay this story. She basically demeaned herself, it wasn’t a good experience, wasn’t good sex, and she sat there through his shenanigans waiting for more? Why? Way to allow yourself to be degraded and then brag about it later, like some roadie. Gross!!!

  7. JustTheFacts says

    I have no idea who it is, but in the video it seemed like she was describing someone quite tall, which would not be Johnny Depp.

    Have I ever had a one night stand? Lots, since I came of age in the sex, drugs and rock and roll era. The weirdest was with a guy I had worked with who was house-sitting for someone, and afterward he went on this totally OCD cleaning frenzy — ripping all the bedding (bedspread included) off the bed and throwing it into the washer, scrubbing the kitchen. Bizarre.

  9. Stephy0203 says

    My first thought was Tom Cruise, just because I remember reading something (maybe here) about an actor who was all over the place on set and up/down emotionally, and this seems similar.

    Guesses of Cruise then said that he’s against psychotic meds due to Scientology. Maybe Scientology also promotes homosexuality and he’s “not supposed to be doing” women anymore ;). Also sorta goes with that recent blind about a lot of women seen with an actor in the past, for which people guessed Cruise.

  10. WhoDatGirl says

    This screams Johnny Depp. No one else even remotely came to mind when I read this.

  12. marysunshine says

    I thinks is James Franco, he was 31 at the time, she was 20, it’s not an insane age gap but 20 is still pretty young. There’s record of him approaching to very young girls, there was even an incident with an underage Instagram’s girl.

    He also fits the description, a relax dude with joints at home, likely to wear a cap at his own party and having kind of dumb friends, he was very attractive and never appears to have a steady girlfriend, he looks like someone easy to hookup with.

  14. empathy says

    Johnny Depp,
    He was with Vanessa, that’s why he was freaking and freaking about the age, that’s why he shaved her ( to make sure nothing would be brought back to mama).

    He fits in the age department, had a motive to be quiet about it can be mysterious, continues to drink and smoke.

    Everyone else is too close in age to her, 10- 13 years is not a big difference.

    Plus Russell Brand and Colin Farrell have been sober over 10 years.

  16. emmalinasaurus says

    I got a vibe that this was Alexander Skarsgard while reading this. He seems quite sterile and like he would want any partner clean and shaved.

  18. rufus78 says

    Jim Carrey. An emotional guy that may have some scars after the death of his young former girlfriend…

  22. aubergine says

    Charlie Sheen or Johnny Depp.

    I doubt it’s James Franco because he likes them young.

    [Optional] No, I have not had a one-night stand.

    • marysunshine says

      This was seven years ago, Alia was 20 years old and James was 31 at that time.

  23. heartbreaker says

    It can’t be Franco; he doesn’t smoke weed or drink. I agree with Henry Cavill. Has the smoky eyes and previously was with a 19 year old.

  24. ShhDontTell says

    Why hasn’t anyone guessed Jon Hamm?

    He definitely has a Cary Grant type of look about him. Does the age fit the timeline?

    Also makes sense that she would run into hit at a bar, given his alcoholic history…

    And he’s quite the funny guy, and tends to hang with comics.

    • ShhDontTell says

      Actually, I’m changing my answer to Justin Theoraux. The “biker dude friends” comment doesn’t fit Jon Hamm

  26. poppyb says

    Tobey Maguire only as one of the posters in the video says Cary Maguire also in the past he did bizarre stuff like asking the poker hostess to “bark like a seal who wants a fish” and he’s always had issues with drink etc

  27. suzie2 says

    David Duchovny. I think he was treated for sex addiction. Has smokey eyes. He is 55 now, so he would have been in his late 40s.

  28. augustmom says

    Plus Cary Grant was English, as is Brand, Brand has smoky eyes, and his conflicted behavior could be from trying not to cheat, but wanting to cheat.

  30. DreamyVelvet says

    Shia Labeouf..he’s weird and intense. It seems like something he’d do.

    7 years ago would have put him at the time of the Indiana Jones movie release. He got pretty squirrely then.

  32. lunchcoma says

    So, someone who’s currently in his 40s or 50s, probably lives in LA, brown eyes. I’m going to guess Keanu Reeves. I can’t see George Clooney losing his chill like that, and while I can picture Colin Farrell doing that, he was sober by the time it was 2009.

    • lunchcoma says

      He would have been 23 when this story happened. I can’t see him being freaked out by a 20-year-old.

  36. libby480 says

    OK-this would have been 7 years ago. Someone who was a leading actor then with dark eyes, hangs out with biker types, probably not married as this was in his home and that wasn’t mentioned, and a bit older than her….
    Joaquin Phoenix? Nicholas Cage? Colin Farrell? They all seem like they might have biker type friends and might be the agonized types trying to be good.

    However only Colin has brown eyes.

    • MilkShakeShark says

      If you actually watched the accompanying ViceLand video, she says something to the effect of “the guy was hanging around with these biker dudes” as she tells the story herself. And that detail alone made me think that maybe it’s Norman Reedus.

  38. dahlia202049 says

    Johnny Depp? He would be weird enough to keep old dirty ash trays around but still be worried about her vag being shaved.

  40. Katmandu says

    If I had a one-night stand, I would not be spending it in a virtual stranger’s house while he was wielding a razor around my privates. I would have been dressed and out of that * hole tout de suite. And he wasn’t shaving her vagina, he was shaving her pubes.

  41. WildChildCandy says

    Cary Grant: No idea. I kind of don’t want to know either, knowing it’s possibly someone I love.

    [Optional] Have you ever had a one-night stand? Yes I have had a few. Some amazing some a complete and utter waste of my time. None that weird though. Poor girl.

  42. sparklemotion says

    the old joint in the ashtray made me think about James Franco but I’m not really sure who this might be

  43. MLBfan says

    This is so gross & disturbing. He made her take a shower & shave all her body hair off? And he kicked everyone out of the party? Why was she surprised it ended badly? How sad that she has so little self-respect. I’m not shaming her for having sex– just WHY with this guy?? What the *??

    • LooLoo says

      I thought the same thing, it just made me really sad. I remember being that age and going along with what guys were telling me I should be doing or assuming that whatever they wanted to do was normal or even that I wouldn’t be cool if I didn’t go along with it. It’s hard to be that age. I hope she’s wised up since then, and I’m sure she has.

    • beccablue says

      I think he prob used an electric razor, not a manual one like the one in the video. Electric makes the whole situation less weird imo lol. Manual is just awkward and takes too long and gross for another stranger to use on you.

    • MLBfan says

      When guys prefer ZERO body hair, it raises a red flag that they perhaps prefer someone who looks pre-pubescent. Or that they are super uptight and don’t want to come into contact with a natural-looking body. I understand that there are body hair preferences out there, but this one in particular is just super creepy to me.

  47. DuchessofSilly says

    Cary Grant: Jerod Leto

    [Optional] Have you ever had a one-night stand? Yes

  48. TTalk13 says

    Can’t wait to read the other guesses!

    I’m going to just take a shot in the dark and guess Joaquin Phoenix, Mel Gibson, or Fred Armison

  49. rhiannon14 says

    The only Hollywood actor that reminds me of Cary Grant is George Clooney.

  54. terry123 says

    OMG, the exact same thing happened to me! NOT
    The only person I can imagine doing this would be James Franco

  55. Shar4118 says

    Smoky eyes makes me think of Johnny Depp. And he’s that weird I’m sure.

  57. mpizzle says

    I want to think this is James Franco and I’d let him do whatever the hell he wanted to me, quite frankly.

  59. beccablue says

    She said the guy had smoky, intense eyes…so it’s someone with brown eyes? And maybe someone that was religious if he felt he shouldn’t be doing this. Lol

  60. spunkie brewster says

    I have no clue but Leo, Leto and Affleck all seem that kind of weird. Yes, I’ve had a few

  61. Camila says

    Have no idea who that guy was. I’m just waiting to read the annoying comment saying vaginas don’t have hair. Vulvas do. *eyeroll*

    • MrsBreeder says

      I was just happy to hear she wasn’t on the waxing train. She can be in my club.

  62. MaryQuiteContrary says

    Obviously someone older if he’s freaked out by a 20yr old. Not very many clues to go on.

  65. totskie says

    This sounds like Keanu Reeves. It’s a funny story but why would she share that?

  69. calumsmom says

    I don’t know who the actor is, but why on earth would she share that story? Creepy!

  71. MizGrandma says

    Leo, but I have no earthly idea why any woman would refer to him as Cary Grant.

    Have I ever had a one-night stand? Not in half a century, & those before 1966 don’t count.

    • TheSalmon says

      I need a little more leeway than 1966, please. LOL. At least get us through the early 80s.

    • MizGrandma says

      Can’t help you there, kid. By 1981 I was already a grandmother. However, I can tell you that I have what my great-grandchildren refer to as “Grandma’s boyfriend,” & he is not a one-night stand, though I have been considering it since his 80th birthday is coming up soon. Would have to put a lot of thought in the gift-wrapping–

  74. whatsnew says

    Only one I can think of is Henry Cavill. He read all the 50 shades of grey books.
    Rumored to be Christian Grey.
    If I recall he said that he had to mimic Cary Grant accent for The Man From Uncle role.

    • PizzaDog says

      I think this is it too. He likes young women (last girlfriend was super young), and I think was in an off and on relationship at this time and is also rumored to have HSV2 which could explain his “I can’t keep doing this!” comment. e.g. having sex with random young women and not telling them his STD status. And cheating.

    • CSLear says

      Nobody “is Christian Grey”.
      50 Shades is well-known to have originated as a Twilight fan-fiction series that E.L. James posted on some fanfic site. She later rewrote it as a novel , changing Edward and Bella to Christian and Anastasia.

    • momofpeanut says

      She says she was 20 at the time. She’s current 27. Henry Cavill really wasn’t famous 7 years ago.

    • bhakti says

      Would his hand be steady enough not to cut her vag with the razor? Lol serious question

  76. dynamodavid says

    Cary Grant: Brad Pitt?

    …one-night stand? Several. And they all ended horribly, too!

    • junkxmas says

      I agree with this guess. I imagine her having an invite to his party through Michael Cera, who is friends with James Franco…. and it just sounds like something he would do.

    • TheSalmon says

      I like this guess. He likes to think of himself as intense and mysterious. And at one time would’ve been considered attractive (LOL). Plus didn’t he make inappropriate advances to a 17-year-old tourist while he was doing a play in NYC, or do I have him confused with someone else?

    • bhakti says

      Yes but I’m not sure he was aware of her age at the time and was publicly embarrassed when it got out. I have a daughter. I’m NOT defending him if he knew that’s awful! But I have sons too and if he didn’t know then I give him a free pass because nothing happened.

  78. stolidog says

    Terance Howard. Or were baby wipes not involved?
    Anything more than a one night stand is boring.

    • inmichigan says

      She was in Three Kings with Clooney when she was 10. I am going to say not him.

    • prissy says

      This is who came to mind for me as well. There is something a little off about him when i see him doing live interviews or at award shows, besides doesnt he have a rep for being a Casanova? Also i had to google who cary grant was, they look similar.

  82. thekatsclaws says

    Hahaha! I have no idea who this is but this has really given me a giggle! Bonkers!

    • lagally says

      Not funny if you realize this is a sign of pedophilia
      Really sick dark stuff

    • emgene says

      why is enjoying a clean shaved vagina a sign of pedophilia? please explain.. cause I’ve enjoyed a clean shave for my own personal reasons forever ( like, since the 70’s) & my lovers do too.. it’s the norm.. as far as I know.. have times changed?

    • spookie says

      I thought that for a second but it’s a bit obvious, IDK

      (I have definitely had a bunch of one night stands. I get a bit slutty when I’m single, but I’m always safe.)

    • riotdontdiet says

      Nah, she is sooooo not his type. In the early 90s he was more open minded but then after Giselle its only been caucasian blonde models.

  85. JerzeyJenn says

    Henry Cavill is my guess? Looks similar to Cary Grant. and was all into his 19yr old gf one minute…then cold the next…kind of like the way he treated this actress who was only a year older.
    No one nighters’ for me…lol

    • lagally says

      We are supposed to feel revulsion at the guy?
      All I can feel is revulsion for her? Who would let a man do that especially all indication is that he’s a pedophile who likes underage girls

      My sister is a psychiatrist and says this is a clear indication of pedophilia.
      So if it’s not roman Polanski its some other sick F&&K and Shawkat is pretty sick too

    • JerzeyJenn says

      My comment was just to guess who this was…NOT to agree with the situation..trust me…please, lets be clear that I think they BOTH have issues. I was “cringing” literally as I was reading this.. but only so much room to comment?

    • LeeLee12345 says

      So someone prefers smooth vs. hairy and they are automatically a pedophile? I think not, sorry.

    • spaceship says

      Exactly! Truly she can’t think that telling this story about herself, makes her look good………….it so doesn’t!

    • terry123 says

      Jersey Jenn,
      No need to explain yourself – totally understand you were just making a guess, like the rest of us. That is what is so great about this site, we all get to throw in our collective “two cents” and enjoy reading what our fellow guessers have to say.
      Hugs ?

    • bhakti says

      @lagally, I’m clean shaven. Have been for decades because it feels cleaner to me. None of my former partners or my husband now was or is a pedophile. That is really a stretch. A very serious accusation as well. Plenty of men and women like to be hairless and many others like a bush, and obviously others like some hair. Let’s not be so quick to label. Peace ❤️✌?️

    • mar1ey says

      @Lagally, There is nothing in this story that could make one rationally believe he is a pedophile. That he has fetishes? Perhaps. That he has internal struggles or hang-ups? Perhaps. But an attraction to prepubescent children? There is nothing to indicate this at all.

    • NoseyNana2008 says

      I don’t think it’s just the clean shaven thing. Been there, done that, did not care for it. I think it’s that, coupled with her age and his reaction to her age, that makes me think pedophilia. Or at least someone fighting the urge to be with underage girls. I think any man turned on by a grown woman baby-talking is weird too. But that’s just me.

    • Kingofboggle says

      All indications? She was 20. Legal.
      And your sex life must be boring as hell

    • JerzeyJenn says

      Thanks everyone for your kind replies. I LOVE THIS SITE. My favorite actually because its drama free. This post was a definitely a conversation piece! Haha! I personally dont think its in Pedo Bear territory either…lol JMO that they both have SOME issues. Different strokes for different folks I suppose. Anyhoo…I respect everyone’s opinions whether they agree or not. Good Day to Everyone!
      Sidenote…Yipee! I finally made the 1st comment?