EOnline – We toss aroun
d the word celebrity here at Awful Truth, about as loosely as Toothy Tile guards his homosexuality. That said, there’s a celeb in town by the name of Lucretia Johnson, whose talent is, uh, questionable, at best. And the poor gal’s also currently getting raked over the rumor coals for possibly being preggers. And, trust, in a town that wants to skewer folks (mainly women) for being a half-ounce over weight, that’s pretty scandalous stuff. Shouldn’t be, but it is. And guess what? Chances are slim to none Lucretia’s with child because… Her friends tell us the wayward babe’s been “getting sloppy drunk for months.” Poor Lucretia has had a bad run of luck with men not exactly being loyal to her, hell, even nice to her. Johnson also has a bad habit of letting these jokers do whatever they want in bed—to sometimes yucky results! Even though L.’s currently found a man who seems to be able to stick around and be decent to her, Lucretia just doesn’t believe—deep down inside—it’s going to last. So the stacked sweetie drinks and drinks and drinks. No wonder she’s lookin’ thicker than Levi Johnston’s head these days! Lucretia is also—according to her friends who have known her since she was a cheerleader at Happiest Place on Earth High—increasingly concerned that her most unimpressive career is fast approaching the point of becoming a permanent zero. Despite having had a fair amount of on-camera success in the past. Ms. J., who really can sometimes do the cutest little flips with her big mane o’ luscious hair, is also totally depressed that her more famous friends are quickly abandoning her, as she’s just not the same hot celeb she used to be. Hell, who needs friends like that? Good riddance, we say! Get yourself to an AA meeting, Lucretia. Then you might realize this man you’re with now isn’t exactly looking out for your best interests, and neither are your avaricious relatives. Sober up and smell the Starbucks, honey.
And It Ain’t: Bristol Palin, Mo’Nique, Brittny Gastineau.