Super-Duper Cooper Poop Scoop

EOnline – We’ve filled you in on lots of the gross-out goss that goes on behind Vice stars’ closed doors, and now one of the stinkiest celebs has finally caught a whiff of his own dirty laundry.

We’re sure you can guess who, too…

Super-Duper Cooper, the superstar who likes his nookie with a side of No. 2!

And when SDC caught wind that we were blabbing about his penchant for poo, he wasn’t too pleased:

‘Cause the dude’s going out of his way to make sure hotel insiders don’t snitch to us again!

See, Coop was set to make his return to Sin City—and his smelly sexcapades, we’re sure—but didn’t want to leave a tell-all trail this time.

So like any good celeb worth their A-list status, he had his people take care of it.

We’re advised that Coop’s assistant called up every million-dollar, high-rise hotel the star has stayed in, including the hotel our partic chatty friend works at, and had a conversation that goes a little something like this:

“Hello! Hope you’ve been well! How are the kids? Blah blah blah, by the way, have you heard any rumors about Super-Duper Cooper lately?”

Our mischievous source, of course says, “No, why?” And that’s when Coop’s pal gets sassy, saying:

“Oh, there’s just an old gossip columnists who’s out to get Coop. They don’t understand him because Coop is irreverent.”

And when our in-the-know worker said that didn’t keep up with the goss, Coop’s fellow booked a room on the spot.

Hm, wonder if he’ll be sure to clean up after himself this time.

Listen up, Coop, as long as you keep being so careless with your feces fun, I’ll be sure to blab it. We can both be irreverent in that way, huh? But thanks for reading the blolumn!

(And for the record, you’ve kissed women my age and sure seemed to get off on it, dude.)

And It Ain’t: Alexander Skarsgård, Charlie Sheen, Kevin Jonas

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      • O-Kay says

        I believe No-Beave Steve is supposed to be Zachary Quinto. Bradley Cooper is believed to be Topher Hairy-Tuchus.

      • apple martini says

        Hmm, though Quinto was someone else. Anyway, point is, this one is not Bradley Cooper. :-)

  1. The Baker says

    “And for the record, you’ve kissed women my age and sure seemed to get off on it, dude.”

    If this is John Mayer then who are the women that are Ted’s age? Isn’t he in his 50’s? Also, do are all of these women into poop? Ugh!!!

  2. malkatz says

    McConaughey. I think the “dude” gives it away. He’s always saying “dude.” And if that isn’t enough, he was in a movie called Surfer, Dude.

  3. apple martini says

    This BV moniker has been around for ages, and it’s definitely John Mayer.

      • gippercat says

        Ah, right you are. Mayer for Sup-Dup Coop it is… and he’s grosser than I could’ve ever imagined. I think this is a good place to propose a new reality TV show/leper’s colony… a little something I’d call “Survivor: Pervert Island”, starring J*hn Mayer, Dominique Str*uss-Kahn, Silvio Berlusc*ni, and Roman P*lanski.

  4. guesswhat says

    We’ve known for a few years all signs point to John Mayer. So GG Allen of you John.

    • Caz1310 says

      Ditto. Still have no respect for Jessica Simpson due to her dubious connection with Mayer the Player. Both gross.

      • Violet says

        Knowing what Mayer is into, I have no respect for anyone who dates him. Disgusting.

  5. Bambi says

    Hmm…doesn’t this mean that Cooper now knows who the ”source” of that story was?

  6. mspitstop says

    Has to be John Mayer. Remember earlier this year there was piece about his ‘pieces’ left in a Vegas hotel room. It’s put me (even more) off his music.
    Now everytime my chiropractor’s PA puts on a Mayer CD I know what I’ll be visualising! EWWW.

  7. NYtoLA says

    Can I just say ew?

    I really hope Jennifer Aniston didn’t let this happen……….im not surprised if Jessica Simpson or Giada let it happen. They seem particularly dirrrrrrty.


    • Caz1310 says

      Considering the length of time Jen and Mayer were together….fair chance they did. If this is what he’s really into, he wouldn’t put up with vanilla boring bedroom antics.

  8. shabbychic says

    i just have to wonder….what do they do with the poo? throw it around? wipe it all over them? now that i think about it, i don’t know if i want to know. this is just plain gross. the smell alone!

    John Mayer is nasty, nasty, nasty. i seriously cannot look at a picture of him without getting grossed out.

    • auntmidgee says

      You raise very intriguing questions. How much poo do you have to poo to make such a mess? Does he import it or just eat a big dinner? I think we need more answers…

      • saucykitty says

        Uhhh. Poo players sometimes eat Ex-Lax beforehand, or other things to help them expel.

        That said, I think this might be John Mayer, esp since one of my cousin’s friends hung out with him and said something similar. . .

  9. Outlineboy says

    I gotta say, this reminds me of why I stopped reading Ted Casablanca’s column years ago… what he writes is barely coherent English. Getting through one paragraph is enough to give me a headache.

  10. CinnamonHoney says

    You know what? Whatever floats your boat. You like being crapped on? More power to you.
    What bothers me here is that John Mayer has the nerve to expect a hotel maid to clean up his mess. If you’re gonna trash a hotel room in this way, at least have the decency to clean up after yourself. Or have one of your assistants take care of it. Don’t leave it for some poor hotel worker to deal with.

    • gippercat says

      …And if he didn’t want word of his nasty fetish hitting the gossip circuit, you’d think he’d save his sh*tplay for home.

    • ThinkerBelle says

      I have to say h#ll no to making anyone other than himself or his partner clean it up. Not his assistant(s) or people and definitely not the hotel staff. If you do the crime you must clean up each time. I want to become his assistant so I can walk out on his crap after tipping off the papps.

  11. Quinnie88 says

    John mayor is my guess too i hate that f*n Mr Potato Head of His!!
    And im wondering were was the poo in the bed ? Floor ? WTF is wrong with people

  12. Jonez says

    John Mayer if old blinds are anything to go by.
    Do whatever you want but don’t expect other people to clean up after you.
    I mean really, how entitled does he think he is?

  13. nywizard08 says

    Sounds like hes into what are known as Cleveland Steamers, I wont get into specifics but it involves one partner going back and forth over the other partners chest and abdomen..i believe it on Mayer, word is people who grew up with him said he was a dork in school (its always the quiet ones) and now he is going nuts from repression through his hs years..mayer sounds pretty pan sexual, girls, guys, poo..lord only knows

  14. Chantal says

    Just an aside… wouldn’t it be easy now for SDC and his people to figure out who the source is/which hotel it is?

  15. centexboiz says

    I don’t think this is John Mayer. He doesn’t strike me as a “Scatman”. Honestly, could you see Jen Anniston or Jessica Simpson with a “Dirty Sanchez”? I think this is and actor.

  16. dorothea says

    I think it is him. John Mayer. I think his reputation as a ladies man is a joke. I think the females dump him once he pulls out the Doody Trin…lol……Jessica I could see, since she is “sexual napalm”…Jennifer Anniston I see getting the hell away from him. I think he is the one who gets dumped and not the other way around.