Action Star Needs The Blue Pill

valtrexNY Daily News – Which top action star is mortified every time he has to ask his assistant to pick up his Valtrex prescription?

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Needles Ruined This Singer’s Vocal Range

needle-1Village Voice – Which comeback chanteuse lost her lower register due to all those times she took injections to get over health problems and/or exhaustion?

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Tony Man is an Unbearable Egomaniac

tony-award-1Village Voice – Which male Tony nominee for musicals is such an egomaniac that people dread sitting at his end of the table?

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Their Antics Disgusted the Maids in Cannes

french-maidDaily Mirror – Which celebs have been banned from the Hotel du Cap in Cannes for their after-hours antics that disgusted the maids?

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He’d Get Flushed With Anger and Give Her a Swirly

man-woman-arguing-2HolyMoly – Which famous 1980s couple (now split up, although both still independently massive) used to get so frustrated with each other that the husband would flush his megastar wife’s head down the toilet?

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Her Movie was Really About Her Sister

sisters-1Village Voice – Who wrote that movie by dredging up her perspective on her sister and other family situations, but told the press it was totally original?

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Legendary Actress is Actually Boring and Needy

man-boredVillage Voice – Which screen legend would seem to be a great icon to get to know, but at least one person who has done so reports, “Not so! She’s boring and needy!”?

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Blonde Stage Star is Digging for Gold

woman-picking-noseVillage Voice – Which talented blonde stage star picks her nose as if burrowing for gold and is fond of saying about job offers, “They can’t afford me”? Who turned down the illustrious chance to replace her? (Free answers: Ashley Tisdale, Hilary Duff, and Brittany Snow, for starters. I guess they couldn’t afford them.)

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She is Unclear on the Concept of Drag Queens

drag-queen-21Village Voice – Which well-chosen wife of a major star is so dumb she didn’t know that a drag performance she’d just seen was indeed a collection of males in dresses? Does that explain why she married that husband?

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She Posted Anonymous Threads About Herself

woman-computer-1Village Voice – Which semi-star was supposedly busted for posting anonymous threads about how she was better in that hit show than the woman who replaced her? Is it any wonder the semi-star was caught screaming, “Noooo!” when her replacement won the big award?

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Singer Forgets When to Start Singing

empty-microphoneVillage Voice – Which belter is such a drinker that she had to be pushed onstage for her entrance at that concert, after which she started singing eight bars early, thereby throwing off the whole number (and, in fact, the whole show)?

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TV Girl Freaks Out If You Stare at Her

people-staringVillage Voice – Which TV starlet has freaked out from her (mid-level) success and doesn’t want people on the street to even look in when she’s doing a photo shoot in an establishment? Wouldn’t she freak out even more if they didn’t look in?

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They Keep His Homosexuality a Secret

books-3Village Voice – Which American author’s birthplace studiously omits his homosexuality from all materials and resents any attempt to get it mentioned?

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Actor Reins in the Swishing in Public

man-swishyVillage Voice – Which married actor is wildly flamboyant among friends and business associates, but when he sits down with an interviewer or goes out in public, he suddenly reins in the swishing and tries to pass for straight? Who’s buying it?

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Seventies Superstar Receives a Mansion Visitor

house-2Village Voice – Which still-closety ’70s superstar gets regular mansion visits from a local gay promoter?

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Actor Rubs Hotel Spa Staff the Wrong Way

massage-1CDAN – Want to make this married former A list television and movie actor stop coming to your hotel? Tell him he is banned from receiving any more » Continued

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Director’s Wife is a Working Beard

woman-beardVillage Voice – Which quirky director who gives the wife a lot of work must be doing so in exchange for some heavy bearding? (He’s rumored to be one of them there closet cases.)

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Lead Actress Almost in Tears on Red Carpet

woman-black-eyeCDAN – This C list almost exclusively movie actress who has been in some important movies thought she had found true love. It sounds like true terror. In what should be her coming out party for her first real big lead role, she instead has to deal with her new B list writer/director boyfriend who loves nothing more than hitting her. Very careful not to leave a mark on her face, she nevertheless was almost in tears on the red carpet from the pain he inflicted on her the night before her big premiere this week. Despite this, she still held his hand as they walked the red carpet. Sick I know.

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He Expects World to Revolve Around His Golf Game

golf1CDAN – This former A list movie actor and now pretend singer and movie actor was playing at a recent golf tournament. Along the side of the fairways were multi-million dollar homes. In the driveway of one of these homes was a huge RV painted in a rather garish color. Our actor said the RV distracted him and he refused to play until it was move out of his eyesight.

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Two Singers Who Can’t Actually Sing

singer-microphone1Village Voice – Which once-hot pop star can barely sing a note and needs mucho enhancement in the studio, getting help from a songwriter who’s also vocally stepped in for that working-class rock band?

Similarly, which famous young lady actually does the singing for her more famous sister?

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