The Loyal Customer

coc 2[Lainey Gossip] For years I’ve been saying that she is such a bitch. Like, terrifying. And humourless, unless you’re famous. But on a red carpet? If she’s sneering at you? There’s venom. Behind that cool, tall beauty, she’s vicious.

Now, maybe I understand why.

Turns out she likes her c*caine. She’s much smarter about it than, say, people who end up under LA bridges with sketchy explanations, or child stars who rage down the Pacific Coast Highway chasing down their enemies. How does she keep winning awards and protecting her reputation? How has she kept the sh-t off of her? Because beyond her love life, there has never, ever been any gossip about her indulgences, beyond the occasional fruit, especially now that she has someone else to look after.

One explanation (on top of her discretion): Customer Loyalty. Same dealer for a decade. He supplies only to very exclusive clientele and is selective about his regular customers. She’s a regular customer. It’s more than occasional bump. Never mind the boyfriend, that might be her most steady relationship.

She:

Person who ended up under a bridge:

Person who raged down the PCH:

Her Boyfriend:

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161 comments to The Loyal Customer

  • moxiegumption

    Charlize Theron.

    Zach Efron.

    Lindsay Lohan.

    Sean Penn.

    • classybgyrl

      This right here!!!The “fruit” is Charlize smoking kush out of the apple bong.

    • CyndiTx123

      I totally agree!

    • Booboo1068

      Absolutely. My first and only guess. Once again I feel for the innocent kid(s) who will pick up the tab for the rich/ famous parents adults in their life. But this dies explain the slightly off pallor. Not hard to see in current/ ex smokers and or drug users…if you know what to look for (no amount of naked up or derm treatments can cover or mask it). Gets worse as the person ages…much.

  • frog780913

    Jennifer Lawrence
    Zac Efron
    Lilo
    Nicholas Hoult

    • Bromance1979

      Nope…

      “Same dealer for a decade.”

      Jennifer was 13 and living in Kentucky a decade ago.

  • lily is my puppy

    Jennifer Lopez
    Zac Efron
    Haley Joel Osment
    Casper Smart

  • ravenglass

    She: Charlize Theron

    Under Bridge: Zac Efron

    Raged Down PCH: Lindsay Lohan

    Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • pinkhawaii81

    tswift?

  • sssss

    Charlize Theron

    • sssss

      Tall, beautiful, famous for her long-term relationship (not marriage) to Stuart Townsend and now serious relationship with Sean Penn. The fruit comment could refer to her part on Arrested Development where she ate plastic fruit.

      Is she supposed to be a bitch though? I had a friend who met her in LA, and said that she was extremely nice! My friend is a normal person – not famous.

      • sssss

        Adopted her son in the last few years – nod to “someone else to look after”

      • PrincessTiff

        The fruit comment could also refer to her getting “caught” smoking weed out of an apple

      • buttercup

        She was once caught on camera smoking out of an apple bong.

      • heshmalesh

        Charlize Theron – the fruit refers to that photo of her smoking weed with an apple pipe

        Zach Efron.

        Lindsay Lohan.

        Sean Penn.

      • wendy hood

        Im pretty sure Ive only read about how bitchy she is on Lainey, not that it detracts or adds to the veracity of the sentiment though

      • lily is my puppy

        I had a friend who worked with her and said she was delightful.

      • GossipProblem

        If this is coming from Lainey, DEFINITELY Charlize. But like wendy hood, Lainey is the only person I’ve ever heard this from. I always wondered what she was talking about because to me, Charlize always seemed so cool and care-free. Especially since she was on Arrested Development and does all those College Humor videos. I always got the impression though that Lainey definitely plays favorites and not always because the people deserved it. She’s really good at getting her readers to eventually agree though :-)

      • Revisionist

        @gossipproblem – yeah I find a lot of her items very judgmental. and I guess her audience is very female so they probably are on board with a lot of it. Seems like the worst sin is cheating over there for men. If you are a female celebrity it usually has a very mean girls vibe to it. God forbid Charlene doesn’t go up an hug some “Extra” wannabe canadian

      • Beautevil

        Isn’t Lainey loving Goopy? If that’s the case I don’t take her seriously immediately, Goopy is the most unlikable person ever, while Charlize seems like fun (imo/what I’ve seen in interviews).

    • Bromance1979

      Definitely her. And, this blind is from Lainey, who apparently hates her.

      I Googled “Charlize Theron” and “b****” and came across an article on Lainey’s site bashing her for not promoting a film. It says, “I’m telling you – Charlize Theron is a cow. She thinks she’s an “artist” but she’s a cow. A gorgeous, gorgeous cow but a cow nonetheless.”

  • melly123

    She: Charlize Theron
    Bridge Person: Zac Efron
    PCH Person: Lindsay Lohan
    BF: Sean Penn

  • Khadafi

    She: Halle Berry

    Person who ended up under a bridge: Zac Efron

    Person who raged down the PCH: Justin Bieber

    Her Boyfriend: Olivier Martinéz

  • sashas

    Charlize Theron?
    Boyfriend: Sean Pennn

  • bizzym

    She: Charlize Theron
    Person Under Bridge: Zac Efron
    Person Raging on PCH: Lindsay Lohan
    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

    Big clue is the occasional fruit (when she was caught smoking out of an apple)

  • Vagabondage

    Charlize Theron
    Zac Efron (under the bridge)
    Justin Beiber (PCH rager)
    Sean Penn (boyfriend)

  • Tipsy

    Charlise Theron. Occasional fruit being clue about the pot apple and Snow White movie.

  • CountessLurkula

    charlize theron
    zac efron
    lindsey lohan
    sean penn

    reference to fruit — she was caught on the beach using an apple as a pot pipe.

  • Ivanna Funkalot

    She is Charlize Theron, the apple (fruit) bong smoker.

  • augustmom

    My first thought was Charlize Theron. But it could easily be Sharon Stone.

  • tuckerlee123

    She: Charlize Theron

    Person who ended up under bridge: Zac Efron

    Person who raged down PCH: ?

    Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • daisy12

    Charlize Theron

    Zac Efron

    Beibs

    Sean Penn

  • jiip

    Charlize Theron
    Efron
    Lohan
    Sean Penn

  • hrhfedup

    Hmmm. Charlize Theron?

  • grrrsuperlauren

    She: Charlize Theron

    Person who ended up under a bridge: Zac Efron

    Person who raged down the PCH: Lindsay Lohan

    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • grrrsuperlauren

    I hope I posted first! Because I actually think I have this one!!!

  • sabrina325

    She: Charlize Theron
    Person under bridge: Zac Efron
    Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • krinny

    She: Charlize Theron
    Under a bridge: Edward Furlong
    Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • Kitty Cat

    Charlize Theron
    Zac Efron
    LL
    Sean Penn

  • jjparker150

    She: Charlize Theron
    Person who ended up under a bridge: Zac Efron
    Person who raged down the PCH: Lindsay Lohan
    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • raslebol

    Charlize theron? She’s a tall beauty with many awards and some years ago,she was photographed “smoking” an apple
    Zac effron
    ?
    Sean penn

  • scumby

    Charlize Theron
    Bridge:Zach Efron
    PCH: Beiber and Gomez
    Boyfirend:Sean Penn

  • SouthJerseyGirl

    Sounds like Gwyneth with the “fruit” reference and being humourless but I have no idea who the others are.

  • I Am PunkA

    Charlize Theron
    Jerry Supiran (Small Wonder)
    ?
    Sean Penn

  • PoniTayl

    Charlize Theron

  • katt388

    Charlize Theron (sp). Sean Penn

  • TheTallOne

    Charlize Theron. “Occasional Fruit”: the pap picture of her smoking weed out of an apple.

  • jjparker150

    Actually one change

    She:Robin Wright
    Person who ended up under a bridge: Zac Efron
    Person who raged down the PCH: Lindsay Lohan
    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • WellHelloThere

    Charlize
    Zac
    Lindsay
    Sean Penn

  • Red Velvet

    I’m getting an Uma Thurman vibe from this, but I don’t follow Lainey, so I’ve no idea how she feels about her.

  • Sarah Connor

    She: Robin Wright (or Charlize Theron)
    bridge: Zac Efron
    PCH: ?
    Her Boyfriend: Ben Foster (or Sean Penn)

    LAINEY GOSSIP
    January 20, 2014 Robin & Ben go shopping
    These two, as I’ve said, are a good fit for each other. Robin can be terrifying on a red carpet. I’ve waited for her on a red carpet a few times. And each time, our team has been… apprehensive. There’s a chill that comes off of her that makes you feel like no one would miss you if you died.

    October 24, 2013 Ben Foster IS Lance Armstrong
    Ben Foster is an excellent choice. He’s an excellent actor. Also…it’s like…a dick playing a dick. The more diplomatic way of saying it is that Foster’s not warm. I’ve seen him twice at TIFF. Both times he was all I don’t do carpets…on the red carpet. Fine. Let’s be kind and call him shy. But if there is an asshole out there, channeling that would be perfect for this role.

    • Sarah Connor

      Lainey again
      October 3, 2012 Buttercup & Wesley 25
      And having observed him now, I totally see why they’d be good for each other. She’s a cold bitch, he’s a little bitch prick. It’s kind of perfect.

    • raslebol

      I guess that Robin doesn’t lick the **s of the journalists because Lainey LOVES the very “friendly” celebrities

    • blackmahn

      Only problem is that Robin Wright is only 5’6″. I don’t think that’s considered tall.

  • clarkster

    Charlize Theron
    Bridge: Zac Efron
    PCH: Lindsay Lohan
    Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • bumblebea63

    Hmmmm. My guess:
    She: January Jones (Lainey has called her a bitch in the past, she’s tall and now has a child)
    Bridge Boy: Zac Efron
    PCH: Lindsay Lohan
    Boyfriend: ?

  • bumblebea63

    …although I don’t think January has won many awards?

  • boyjack4

    Charlize Theron, no doubt about it
    Zac Efron
    ? All of them
    Sean Penn

  • Lil Debbull

    Charlize Theron!
    The rest of the answers are obvs

  • brynnette

    Charlize Theron. The “occasional fruit” gossip is when she was photographed smoking pot from a pipe made out of an apple.

  • FamousPeopleDoStupidThings

    Charlize Theron!

  • jerseygrrrl

    She: Charlize Theron
    Person who ended up under a bridge: Zac Efron
    Person who raged down the PCH: ???
    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

    Occasional fruit – wasn’t she using an apple as a bong?

  • Mia444

    Charlize Theron.

  • zooba

    Charlize Theron

  • louise

    Charlize Theron
    Zac Effron
    Lindsay Lohan
    Sean Penn

  • gossiphound

    She: Charlize Theron
    Person under a bridge: Zac Efron
    Person who raged down the PCH: Bieber???
    Her BF: Sean Penn

  • kookywooky

    She: Charlize Theron

    Person who ended up under a bridge: Zac Effron

    Person who raged down the PCH: Lindsay Lohan

    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • Best Man

    Gwyneth paltrow. Wild guess

  • Chocadoodledoo

    Charlize Theron
    ?????
    Zac Efron
    Sean Penn
    Probably waaaay wrong!

  • Franciss

    She: Charlize Theron (tall, beautiful, cool coloring… and the “occasional fruit” incident being her apple bong to do from about a decade ago. “Someone to look after” is her adopted son.)

    Person who ended up under a bridge: no idea, sounds like old school RDJ to me, but I’m still pulling for him to remain sober in perpetuity.

    Person who raged down the PCH: no idea, but probably Bieber

    Her Boyfriend: Sean “Slap Happy” Penn.

    Ugh, I guess like attracts like? Disappointing as I’ve always liked her.

  • MoreCowbell

    She: Charlieze Theron
    Person under the bridge: Zac Efrom
    Person who raged down the PCH: Lindsay Lohan
    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • barbaraod

    Has to be that Glamazon, Charlize. Kind of surprised, if it is her.

  • stacat1

    For Lainey- this has to be none other than Charlize Theron.
    She: Charlize
    Person under the Bridge: Zac Efron
    Person who raged don the PCH: Lindsey Lohan
    her boyfriend: Sean penn

    (“the occasional fruit” is a reference to an infamous pic of her smoking pot from an apple)

  • darock

    Charlize Theron! Fruit a clue to the poisoned apple in Snow White and the Huntsman. She’s tall at 5’10. She also has a young adopted son. Boyfriend Sean Penn. Bridge creeper Zac Effron. Road rager Lindsey Lohan?

  • Miss Demeanor

    IDK, but when you said “tall,” I thought of Charlize Theron.
    Person under the bridge: Zach Ephron?
    PCH rager: Lindsay Lohan
    Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • The Divine Miss N

    She: Charlize Theron (Indulging in “fruit” aka smoking weed out of an apple)

    Person who ended up under a bridge: Efron

    Person who raged down the PCH: Lohan

    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • BonBons

    Charlize Theron
    Zak Efron
    ?
    Sean Penn

  • vbchica14

    She: Taylor Swift

    Otherwise I have no idea, especially since I don’t think she has a boyfriend. In the “someone else to look after” category I would think Selena Gomez.

  • DdR

    She: Angelina Jolie

    Person who ended up under a bridge: Zac Effron

    Person who raged down the PCH: No clue

    Her Boyfriend: Brad Pitt

    • sfgal

      Lainey loves Angelina Jolie, just did an interview with her recently and is still gushing about how nice she was.

  • blackmahn

    I really wanna say this is Granny Freeze, aka Nicole Kidman. But it mentions a boyfriend and not a husband. But given her marriage, I wouldn’t put it past either of them to have a boyfriend.

    Person who ended up under a bridge was, of course, Zach Efron.

  • Holly

    Rihanna?

  • CatInTheHat

    Charlize Theron
    Zac Ephron
    Lindsey Lohan
    Sean Penn

  • VeronicaMarsBars

    She: Charlize Theron
    Person who ended up under a bridge: Zac Efron
    Person who raged down the PCH: Lindsay Lohan
    Her boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • Mere

    She: Charlize Theron
    Person who ended up under a bridge: ?
    Person who raged down the PCH: Lindsay Lohan
    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • mommie dearest

    Angelina
    Under bridge-Zac Efron
    Chasing enemies- Lindsay Lohan
    Boyfriend- Brad Pitt

  • next please

    She: Angelina
    Under the bridge: RDJ
    Raging on PCH: Lindsay
    Her Boyfriend: Brad Pitt

  • Serena van der Woodsen

    She: Charlize Theron (based on google: “lainey gossip + bitch”) 😉

  • Ahem

    She: Charlize Theron (she’s tall and has someone to look after)

    Person who ended up under a bridge: Zac Efron

    Person who raged down the PCH: Lindsay Lohan

    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

    Wow, she in addition to not really being all that funny, she’s a bitch too?

  • fiivy

    Definitely Charlize Theron. The fruit refers to the apple bong pictures. Boyfriend is Sean Penn. I have no idea about the other two though.

  • karenc

    Zach Efron
    Lindsay Lohan
    Charlize Theron?

  • spettinatadentro

    She: Charlize Theron – the fruit reference is to the time a pap took a picture of her smoking a bong which was carved in an apple

    Person who ended up under a bridge: dunno – Anthony Kiedis?

    Person who raged down the PCH: Lindsay Lohan

    Her Boyfriend: Sean “human jerky” Penn

  • PrincessTiff

    Charlize Theron, Zac Efron, no clue, Sean Penn

  • stolidog

    I think this has always been about Uma Thurman, for a long time. Her new boyfriend is Quentin Tarentino (scary), while Charlie Sheen is the Rager down the PCH

    • allmyfriendsaredead

      Isn’t Quentin the one people say is really good at cunnilingus? lol sorry but that’s what I’ve heard

  • JJSweat

    Charlize Theron

  • Talisker

    Charlize Theron (wild guess)
    Zac Efron
    Lindsay Lohan
    Sean Penn

  • WaitLemmeGuess

    She: Charlize Theron

    Person who ended up under a bridge: Zac Efron

    Person who raged down the PCH: Justin Bieber

    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • sfgal

    Charlize Theron?

  • tigerlilly

    She: Charlize Theron
    Person under a bridge: ?
    Person who raged down the PCH: ?
    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • Krisssssy

    Charlize Theron

    Clue: fruit.. picture of her with apple bong

  • ccincanada

    i was going to say jennifer aniston but then awards…so, gwyneth paltrow?

  • devoncarruthers

    She: Charlize Theron

    Person who ended up under a bridge: Zac Efron

    Person who raged down the PCH: Lindsay Lohan

    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • iyamrocky

    Her: Jennifer Aniston
    Bridge: ?
    PCH: Lilo
    Boyfriend: Justin Theroux

  • minx

    The “tall cool beauty” makes me think of Charlize Theron; boyfriend Sean Penn.

  • Olliebeanzmom

    Angelina Jolie
    Zac Efron
    ?
    Brad Pitt

  • stonn

    Charlize Theron? Tall, cool beauty.

  • injun

    So…em…this is about Charlize Theron.

    She: Charlize Theron

    Person who ended up under a bridge: Zac Efron

    Person who raged down the PCH: Lindsey Lohan

    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

    The main clues being
    i. Lainey has often called her out about her bitchy behaviour (particulary when her former boyfriend Stuart Townsend was trying to promote his film and her lack of enthusiasm in promoting it to the press)

    ii. ‘Cool tall beauty’ – this would definitely describe her (especially in the white dress she wore that Lainey had picked as her ‘Best of’ for the Oscars last year

    iii. ‘especially now she has someone to look after’ would be a reference to her son

    iv. never any gossip..beyond the occasional fruit.. – This is a definite clue (it hardly makes sense otherwise). It’s a reference to Charlize Theron after winning her Oscar having remarks about Halle Berry (berry, get it?) and Berry’s poor choice of roles after winning her Oscar. Charlize denied those remarks as far as I know but the gossip was out there.

  • YLIME

    She: Charlize Theron

    Person who ended up under a bridge: Zac Efron

    Person who raged down the PCH: Lindsay Lohan

    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

    Boom.

  • saromat

    She: Uma Thurman
    Bridge person: no clue
    PCH person: no clue
    Her boyfriend: Aepad Busson

  • janemare

    Shot in the dark-

    She: Charlize Theron

    Person who ended up under a bridge: Zac Efron

    Person who raged down the PCH: Lindsay Lohan

    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • Peps66

    I hope it’s not:

    She: Charlize Theron

    Person under a bridge: Zach Efron?

    PCH road rager: Lindsay Lohan

    Her Current Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • mysticlights

    1. Charlize Theron
    2. Zac Efron
    3. Lindsay Lohan
    4. Sean Penn

    This one was so obvious… Lainey practically spelled out everyone’s name.

  • malkatz

    Taylor Swift. Mention of a “red” carpet, being tall, and indulging in “fruit” (her many gay boyfriends.)
    Bridge: Zac Efron.

    No clue for the rest of them. If I’m right, this is sad, as it means she has been snorting since her early teens. I think she’s 24 now?

  • crazycatlady

    She: Charlize Theron (5’10” and has a young child)

    Person who ended up under a bridge: Zac Efron

    Person who raged down the PCH: Robert Downey Jr.

    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn

  • greeneyze

    She: Charleze
    Under the Bridge: Zac E.
    Raged PCH: LiLo
    Her Boyfriend: Spicoli

  • mrstimelord

    Taylor Swift?

  • spoofbyrd

    Jlo because you said humorless and not much is said about her except for the men in her life. The newest one seems so noncommittal which is good for her. JLO s tush has also kept the wandering eye of the busybody from wandering into her personal life.

  • Stubbs

    Charleze Therone
    Zac Efron
    Linsey
    Sean Penn

  • Nalani

    Charlize Theron
    Bridge person: no idea
    Raged down PCH: Lohan
    Her Boyfriend: Sean Penn