[Jezebel] A Food Network chef, who describes himself as “somewhat famous,” allegedly posted a rant&rave on Craigslist to share a delightful personal victory more than four years in the making: since January 21st, 2008, he has been engaged in the project of farting on everyone of his kitchen employees. Audibly and sensorially passing wind.
This supposed chef has farted on his bread guy, his pasta guy, his sous chef, and all of his dishwashers. He has done this in alphabetical order by name (first name or last name, Type-A OCD famous chef-man? Inquiring minds need to know!). Let us tell this story from the beginning, oh yes, let’s:
lets get back to the first fart, the maiden fart, the perfect fart.
It was hot as hell in the kitchen that night, sometimes I like to turn off the air conditioning to give my staff a bit of a stir, it makes their blood flow, their tempers flash, but for some reason, their discomfort turns out better quality food.
So with all the air off, there is no air flow in our downstairs kitchen, and its small and cramped and really really fucking hot, even in january.
We have our plates in the warmer under our pass, so i was helping my hot apps guy plate a new fungi misti when it happened.
He had the pan in his right hand, and we both reached to bend over to get the hot plate, i got there first, so he inhaled the entire hot air load that i let roar out of my pants.
It was bold, loud, and completely unapologetic.
This experience was so wonderful, so enlightening, so personally fulfilling, that Mr. Semi-Famous Chef decided to fart on the rest of his kitchen. One by one. And on January 2, he finally made it through the list! During the course of his project, he developed an entire taxonomy of farts:
because I think it took them out of whatever musical they thought they were living in, and made them alive, made them smell, made them want to throw up for a valid reason.
I think all farts should have a color assigned to them, because you know when that one fart comes out and lingers in the air and wont leave, I mean its obvious that is a green fart. Everyone should know this by now, its even documented in cartoons.
A red fart is a spicy one, probably incurred by some type of spicy ethnic food with a great amount of chilis and onions.
A yellow fart, well these are worse on the farter, than they are on the fartee.
These are sick farts, the ones that are on the verge of being sharts. Just imagine the fart that comes after downing like gallon of vodka, eating like 5 gyros on st. marks, then bagging a hooker named natasha, who acts like she is from russia, but you know just know she fucking grew up in Hackensack.
This is never good, especially in the kitchen, so if I think I have a yellow in tow, I clamp my hole shut and run to the nearest bathroom to unleash the fury.
Unless, of course I am at home, then what the hell, I let it rip and see what happens. New underwear are only like 5 feet away, so lets see what happens, life is a journey.
Mr. Totally A Chef You’ve Heard Of describes himself as “definitely known in and around NYC,” and brags that he has “had several specials on foodnetwork [sic]” and a restaurant in the Meatpacking District. “You probably know me if you like food and eating in manhattan.” He promises to tell the story of each of the 37 farts one by one, over the next 37 days, on Craigslist.