A Very Personal Locker Room Ritual

[EOnline] You’ve got the chips and dip and buckets of beer…and I’ve got the Blind Vice, sports fans.

I know you adore our more athletic Vice stars (like scummy Pepper Harthman and scummier Taller Baller), so to celebrate the holiest of football days I want to introduce you to Albie Ass-Slapper, a stud whose been Vicing in front of your eyes the whole season:

You heard me: Albie is getting Vicey on the field.

Well, actually his Blind biz starts in the locker room before the game…but we’ll get to that in a second.

Trust me, you’ve heard of Albie before: He’s got a way with the old pigskin, which makes him mucho talked about on all those postgame sportscasts.

On top of that, his scruffy jawline and killer six-pack makes AAS very easy on the eyes.

But back to Albie’s Vicey sports skills: He’s got quite the arm and can Hail Mary with the best of ‘em, which has landed him in tons of big games. Not today’s Super Bowl, but whatever.

So what’s Albie’s secret to success?

Icy Hot…on his junk.

Yep, before he hits the field, Albie likes to slather up his undercarriage with a gel that makes his stuff…well, we hear it burns like hell. But Albie is all about that “no pain, no gain” mentality and believes his pregame ritual makes him throw further.

So there you have it. Hmmm, wonder what kind of secrets the studs hitting the field today are hiding. Who knows, they all might be Icy Hotting it!

And as for Albie, well you’ve finally got a Vice moniker—just like all those H’wood chickies you’re into.

AND IT AIN’T: Jay Cutler, Eli Manning, Tom Brady

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43 comments to A Very Personal Locker Room Ritual

  • hotel57

    Tebow, you sly dog you.

  • girlfriday

    Mark ‘Dirty’ Sanchez? HA! I hope its him~

  • smd1004p

    mark sanchez…has a scruffy beard and the mucho reference makes me think hispanic…

  • mankothegreat

    Hail Mary = Tebow!

    • mrsjaymack

      My guess too. And he’s a quarterback as well.

    • kikipedia

      i think the hail mary is more specifically a catholic reference. from what i understand, protestants like tebow not only do not use that prayer but many scoff at catholics’ “deification” of mary. could be a clue but, if so, probably points to someone catholic.

      • tiger916

        I took it to mean the football term hail mary (throwing a pass without necessarily knowing your intended target or it being a rather unlikely completion-you pray it happens) – which is football in general, but a play Tebow made to win the Steelers(?) playoff game a few weeks ago. I like the idea of it being a religious ref as well- any other QBs with open beliefs on their faith?

      • fifthavenuejournal

        I agree. Tebow isn’t catholic. Only Catholics say the hail mary

  • raslebol

    can anyone translate for me,please?

  • terry123

    Tony Romo.
    Wasn’t he dating Carrie Underwood at one time?
    (undercarriage being a clue?)

    • amyls18

      He’s married to Candace Crawford, so idk about the “hollywood chickies”.

      However, he also dated Jessica Simpson and in the Dukes of Hazzard, she was all “I think something got up in my undercarraige” when she needed the cops to be distracted by her car.

      This was on tv when I couldn’t sleep. I’m embarrassed that I know this! :)

    • Sugar Hubby

      I agree. Tony Romo.

  • NYtoLA

    Wait… is this saying the football player puts Icy Hot on his private parts?

    I have no idea who to guess for this, but I know someone who actually did it (by accident,) and after the excruciating pain he was in from doing it ONE time, I find it hard to fully believe someone would intentionally do it. It doesn’t just burn… but it actually swells the..private parts..and not in a good way. The person I know actually had to go to the doctors because he thought something was wrong with him!

    If this is legit, then DAYUM, but there’s a big part of me that realllyyy hopes E! twisted this bit.

    • amagod121

      Yeah, no kidding. And as a person in constant pain, I can assure you that it messes with your ability to think clearly at times. So WHY would you do something that stressful right before a game? Not to mention so painful and probably damaging?

  • amagod121

    Not sure I’m buying this at all. What sense would it make to start off the game in pain? Wouldn’t that mess up your concentration? Just doesn’t sound too realistic to me.

    • FzFzFz

      I think it’s supposed to get them amped up or get the adrenaline going or something. I’ve heard of athletes doing it before. Roger Clemens used to do it before his starts.

  • grnraven

    Sounds like an Aaron Rodgers thing to do.

  • pyTiffany

    Its Aaron Rodgers. Clue: “his scruffy jawline and killer six-pack makes AAS very easy on the eyes” and

    “He’s got a way with the old pigskin, which makes him mucho talked about on all those postgame sportscasts.
    ” and

    “landed him in tons of big games. Not today’s Super Bowl, but whatever.”

    Aaron has a beard, had a great season, always talked about in post games, has been in many big games lately including last years supper bowl.

    I think its him. BTW: First time poster!!!

  • JGordon

    I’m going to go with Ben Roethlisberger (Rapelisberger?).

    He’s just the sort of animal that would do something so senseless to the rest of us as this.

  • JGordon

    Unless the “six-pack” reference is to abs. That couldn’t be Roethlisberger. He appears to be on the “Body by Ethel Merman” regimen.

    Mark Sanchez seems like a really good guess as well to all of you whom already called it……

  • HaNeull

    While I initially interpreted “undercarriage” as putting the icy hot on his penis, perhaps AAS puts it on his -other- undercarriage [his buttocks?]. I mean, it would really be taking the “Light a fire under your ass” saying to a whole new level, especially if he thinks it would make him throw a bit farther than normal.

    I also wonder if this is someone that we see slap a lot of behinds on the field [which doesn’t really rule out anyone, now does it? lol], because of the name that he was given.

    I don’t really have any guesses – I do like the Tim Tebow guess because he is a quarter back and the capitalization of Hail Mary as if to show that it’s the name of a prayer, rather than a type of play in the game. And, of course, who could ignore the fact that he’s been talked about practically all season long?

    • amagod121

      You’re right,putting on his butt would make a heck of a lot more sense. It wouldn’t damage any tender parts and might, indeed, light a fire under his, um, patootie.

  • modelle18

    i go with Tim Tebow

    he is easy on the eyes – likely has abs AND the whole hail mary comment

  • ummidk

    not sure who this BV is, but Colt McCoy wore see-thru pants at every UT game he played in. I think he stopped after he made it into the pros.

  • SiG621

    Favre is also know to be a habitual ass-slapper…

  • newbatgirl

    I’m going with the Mark Sanchez guess.

    • Erika

      Yes, especially with the ‘mucho’ reference. He’s the only guy with a searchable pic with six-pack abs. Rodgers, not. He’s pretty soft in the middle in a beach pic I’ve seen. Tebow, as well from pics. Sanchez, FTW.

  • jokerjim65

    Def not Tebow or Sanchez, neither have been in a ton of big games and Tebow is noted for NOT being able to throw down field. Romo is clean cut and no scruff, so not him either.

    Could be Aaron Rodgers, but I will bet Big Ben, always scruffy, three Super Bowls, MANY playoff games or Brett Farve, same as the above but better shape.

  • lilpiggy742

    yea…tebow doesnt have”quite the arm”. So nothim..i wouldnt put him even close to the same league as Brady. My guess is Mark Sanchez because of the hollywood ties( rumored to be dating Kim Kardashian). But Aaron Rodgers tends to be scruffy and the Packers had an amazing season,it was a huge shock about them not being in the superbowl which could tie to the “not in the superbowl but whatever” comment.

  • DHK101

    My guess is Mark Sanchez. He’s the only QB that is constantly linked with some actress. It’s been rumored as of today that he and Kim Kardashian have a relationship on the DL. She denies it, of course.

  • heyImightKnow

    I have no idea, but my best friend and i had an icyhot fight once…..

    We both lost.

  • Truthi

    Tebow won 2 national championships in college as well as winning the Heisman. So he’s had more championships than some starting NFL quarterbacks and his arm was never a problem before.

    First timer here, I might go with Sanchez because of the word “mucho” but I think Tebow has been in a lot more big games than you might realize. First Sophomore to win the Heisman. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Tebow

  • apple martini

    There are only 32 starting quarterbacks in the NFL, and maybe half of those guys are good enough to regularly make postseason appearances. So this shouldn’t be too hard to eventually whittle down, especially if Ted writes another blind about him eventually.
    And I wouldn’t read too much into the “Hail Mary” thing. It just refers to the last-ditch pray-to-God long pass that will win or lose the game, depending on if it’s caught. I’m not convinced it’s a Tebow reference.

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