I know you adore our more athletic Vice stars (like scummy Pepper Harthman and scummier Taller Baller), so to celebrate the holiest of football days I want to introduce you to Albie Ass-Slapper, a stud whose been Vicing in front of your eyes the whole season:
You heard me: Albie is getting Vicey on the field.
Well, actually his Blind biz starts in the locker room before the game…but we’ll get to that in a second.
Trust me, you’ve heard of Albie before: He’s got a way with the old pigskin, which makes him mucho talked about on all those postgame sportscasts.
On top of that, his scruffy jawline and killer six-pack makes AAS very easy on the eyes.
But back to Albie’s Vicey sports skills: He’s got quite the arm and can Hail Mary with the best of ‘em, which has landed him in tons of big games. Not today’s Super Bowl, but whatever.
So what’s Albie’s secret to success?
Icy Hot…on his junk.
Yep, before he hits the field, Albie likes to slather up his undercarriage with a gel that makes his stuff…well, we hear it burns like hell. But Albie is all about that “no pain, no gain” mentality and believes his pregame ritual makes him throw further.
So there you have it. Hmmm, wonder what kind of secrets the studs hitting the field today are hiding. Who knows, they all might be Icy Hotting it!
And as for Albie, well you’ve finally got a Vice moniker—just like all those H’wood chickies you’re into.
AND IT AIN’T: Jay Cutler, Eli Manning, Tom Brady