Jerry Has A Bitter Heart

[EOnline] Über-talented and fab Jerry Rock-Butt is publicly known for being a superstar, but privately, he’s known for his super moods. Most recently? Even though Jerry’s life is currently all roses—professionally and romantically—those who know Mr. Rock-Butt most personally are fully aware that he’s been a bit down, as of late.

Pray tell, why?

Because as he gets closer and closer to sealing the deal with his current girlfriend, only the stud’s best pals know that Jerry’s true heart still lies with a super hot ex girlfriend Jer came very close to marrying.

Back when Jerry and this curvy gal were a hotter-than-hot couple, Jerry’s mama was incensed that her baby boy was hooking up with an older chick who wasn’t so far in age from her own!

Well, maybe incensed is too strong of a word to use at first, but it sure as hell wasn’t once the ex and Jer started talking marriage! Mama Rock-Butt practically hit the roof! It was only a matter of time, then, before Jerry and this more voluptuous GF of his not only stopped talking marriage, but they broke up altogether.

And the mama’s boy has seriously missed his old flame ever since, particularly now that he’s on the verge of marrying blah GF Chutney Jones, who when compared to the vibrant, always-horny lover from his past, gets blown right outta the water. Babes are beyond different.

And nobody knows this more than Jerry, who fears he may have lost the love of his life.

Everybody can cry now, if they want, but I say this is just karma for letting your mommy arrange your love life.

And It Ain’t: Justin Theroux, Mark Walhberg, Matthew Morrison

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Comments

    • LydiaVance says

      It’s unquestionably Justin Timberlake. The AIA’s ALL point toward him:
      Justin Theroux: JT. The initials of their names.
      Mark Walhberg: Both started out their careers in 90s boy bands then became successful actors
      Matthew Morrison: They both have the same hair. plus they both sing and act.

      Other clues: “Everybody can cry now.” aka Justin’s song “Cry me a River”

      • ivyleaguer says

        The clues may point to him but when did JT become a successful actor? His acting career is as much maligned, well almost, as Beyonce’s and Madonna’s. Yeah he hit pay dirt with the social network but Beyonce had Dream Girls and the Austin Powers sequel and Madonna had Evita and Desperately Seeking Susan.

      • lindseyann says

        Mark Walhberg wasn’t in a boyband, he’s a former rapper. His brother was in New Kids On The Block, though.

    • Bromance1979 says

      I agree that it definitely sounds like Justin Timberlake, but who is this “curvy gal” who is “more than voluptuous”? If those weren’t the clues, I’d be convinced it was Cameron Diaz, although she really wasn’t THAT much older than him. She’s far from curvy and voluptuous.
      “Everybody can cry now, if they want, but I say this is just karma for letting your mommy arrange your love life.” – obviously hints to “Cry Me A River” and “What Goes Around Comes Around”.

      • redtex says

        I agree with Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz. The only world that Cameron Diaz is curvy and voluptuous is when she is Fiona in Shrek. In that world she is VERY curvy and very voluptuous!

    • redstilettos says

      Seems like Justin and Jessica Biel. Not sure on the ex (I’m not up on all of his exes). There’s no way Cameron would be considered curvy and Britney is not older than he is. I didn’t know he supposedly dated Janet or Alyssa. Both are older than him and curvy. This makes me very sad for him and the ex (and Jessica). The mom sounds like a grade A jerk.

    • akajenb says

      Justin tIMBERLATE HIS EX BRITTANY, hence cry now reference since brittany is about to get married.Jessica is the older chic, at least one of the older chick he’s dated.Brittany is the love of his life.lol

      • cocobeannns says

        I assume you mean Britney. The older chick is whoever the ex is. Not his current girlfriend.

  1. Mermaid says

    Justin Timberlake, obviously, who I met at the gym once and can attest to his very moody nature. The woman – Staci B Flood?

    • Mermaid says

      Though WTH?! Flood is 37 which puts her at 7 years older than Timberlake. What’s wrong with that? Close in age to Justin’s mom? His mom wishes!! Some people.

  2. DHK101 says

    This is Justin Timberlake and Jessia Biel. Ted might as well say it with his “Everybody can cry now” comment. But, when has Diaz been considered voluptuous?. So, i think the real guessing game here is, who is the ex?.

      • FamousPeopleDoStupidThings says

        Justin/Jessica/Janet
        I agree Parker, Janet seems to be the only one that qualifies as older and curvier.

      • ivyleaguer says

        Really if he loved her that much then why did he put all the blame for the wardrobe malfunction on her. I never did buy the stories that they were lovers.

      • Stackhouse says

        First person I thought of was Janet Jackson as well, but their relationship was never confirmed – or was it? Either way, I can’t think of anyone else at the moment.

      • Mermaid says

        I honestly cannot imagine it being Janet. The way Timberlake treated her after the Super Bowl slip-up? You don’t treat someone who you think is the love of your life in that way.

        Janet was completely upset (who could blame her?) and I think THAT’S what ended that (if it was anything more than a fling), not mama Timberlake quashing marriage talk.

        One thing I wonder … Staci Flood is only 7 years older than Timberlake but wasn’t Justin’s mother a teen when she had him? Wasn’t she like 16 or 17? That would put Flood at 10 years younger than mama Timberlake which she could get away with saying was close in age to herself.

        Anyone know how old mama Timberlake was when she had Justin?

      • janeplain says

        Janet was born in 1966. JT’s mom, Lynn Harless, was born in 1961 (see her IMDB). This puts her at 20 years older than her son, but only _5_ years older than Janet. Considering how close they are, that could be a concern for sure.

      • BirdIsTheWord says

        According to IMDb Justin’s mom was born in 1961 & since Justin was born in 1981, she had just turned 20 when she had him. Britney is younger than Justin, Cameron & Alyssa were born in 1972, Staci in 1974, Janet in 1966, & Fergie in 1975. Age wise, it seems Janet is the most likely choice, but I’m not buying it. 

    • cocobeannns says

      “Everybody can cry now” – Cry Me A River

      Brit doesn’t fit, dang. She’s not close to his mother’s age. What other ex could it be?

      • KingKatie says

        Except I think it says the mother thought he was cheating on the girlfriend with someone older.

      • cocobeannns says

        You’re joking right? Have you ever seen Alyssa Milano? She has curves. She is not stick-thin and muscular like Diaz is in any shape or form. She has a beautiful curvy body. Not saying Diaz’s isn’t, but they are very different body types.

  3. pumpkin says

    Justin Timberlake, engaged to boring Jessica Biel.

    Who’s the ex-girlfriend? Not Cameron Diaz. She’s far from “curvy.”

    I’m going with Staci Flood, born in 1974 (“blown out of the water”), his dancer girlfriend from his nsync days.

  4. dani948 says

    Justin Timeberlake? He’s a mama’s boy with a personal and professional life that’s roses, and who used to date the much older, vibrant and horny as hell Cameron Diaz for over three years, and it got close to marriage. Now he’s with the younger and much more blah Jessica Biel.

    The only thing that confuses me is that Cameron couldn’t be considered “voluptuous.” If anything, Biel is the more voluptuous one. So, maybe I’m wrong.

  5. karlos says

    rock-butt is justin timberlake; chutney jones is jessica biehl; former older gf cameron diaz, who is 10-12 years younger than his mother.

  6. HWOODPR says

    Justin Timberlake with Cameron Diaz as the ex-girlfriend. My only hesitation is that Diaz is not curvy. Unless they’re referring to her muscles? Going to guess that the picture was chosen because Aniston’s man has the same first name/initials as Timberlake.

  7. Camembert says

    Justin Timberlake, former gf Cameron Diaz, and currently blahness Jessica Biel. So easy, so it can’t be them, right?

  8. Dont Know For Sure says

    Sounds like Justin Timberlake about to marry Jessica Biel and Cameron Diaz as the former girlfriend. The clue of: “everybody can cry now” sounds like Justin’s song “Cry Me a River”.

  9. WindyLAX says

    Ugh, I’m sure Timberlake/Biel/Diaz are going to get nailed for this blind, but HOW is Ted C. referring to Cameron as “curvy”?

  10. Heather says

    I’m going to have to say Justin Timberlake, but Cameron Diaz isn’t considered curvy. Maybe Justin and Alyssa Milano, but I’m not sure if they were close to getting married.

  11. kim444 says

    um JT and Jessica Biehl and I guess Cameron Diaz but I wouldn’t exactly describe her as curvy. Great body, just not curvy.

  12. bayougirl2 says

    Justi Timberlake and the current girl being Jessica Biel? Only thing that makes me unsure of it is that Cameron isn’t exactly curvy…

  13. VelvetyRichChocolate says

    Wow….did Justin Timberlake ever have a curvy older gal…can’t be Cameron Diaz because she is more fit and athletic type. Usher? Just says super-Star and not singer or actor and mama’s boy which makes me think of those two…Really can’t put clues together.

  14. geo2cw says

    Only one that comes to mind is Justin Timberlake but unsure who the ex is?!? Cameron is older but nobody could describe her as curvy!!

  15. gumbii2662 says

    I would guess Justin Timberlake, since Cameron Diaz is older than he is, but I would never describe her as “curvier” by any standard. *shrugs*

  16. kavitham says

    justin timberlake
    but the only older ex that i can think of is cameron diaz
    is she considered curvy?

  17. Betsypaige says

    Justin Timberlake, who is recently engaged to Jessica Biel.

    Not sure who the ‘voluptuous’ ex is. At first I was thinking Cameron Diaz, but she’s not at all voluptuous.

  18. amagod121 says

    Justin T., with Cameron Diaz being the older chick?

    And yeah, I’ve heard of some really messed up afterlives when mothers or fathers who tell their grown children whom to marry.

    • trewhitt says

      Great catch on incensed — knew it was a clue but didn’t fully put it together. The ex is Flood.

  19. callmedave says

    Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz (with Jessica Biel as the blah GF). Given that the last Jerry Rock-Butt BV was transparently obvious, I guess Ted C wants this to be really easy…

  20. lh8990 says

    Timberlake/Biel/Diaz…hint being ‘cry’ as in Cry Me A River.
    Timberlake is 30 and Diaz is 39.

  21. GERSEYGIRL says

    Jerry Rock Butt Justin Timberlake
    Super Hot Ex Cameron Diaz
    Chutney Jones Jessica Biel

  22. smellyoulater says

    OBVIOUSLY Timberlake — Ace even used a picture of an actor with the same first name and initials as a visual clue. I think we’re all going to get this one easily.

    But I don’t get who the ex-girlfriend is supposed to be! It’s *not* Britney, because she and Justin are the same age and Ted says that the ex was closer in age to his mother. Is it supposed to be Cameron? Because girlfriend is leggy as hell, but she is NOT curvy. Jessica Biel is DEFINITELY more voluptuous than Cam.

    Maybe it’s Alyssa Milano? Janet Jackson? But I thought they were just flings? ARRRGH.

    Even Ted’s EASY blinds are confusing as hell. Gawd.

  23. Beatrixie says

    My guess is Justin Timberlake; Ex-gf is Cameron Diaz (though she is described as curvy, maybe this is talking more about her crooked nose? hah). She’s 10 years his senior. Current fiancee is Jessica Biel.

  24. sapphire27 says

    Justin Timberlake!

    Clues:
    “Sealing the deal with his current girlfriend” = Justin is rumoured to be engaged to Jessica Biel.
    “Incensed” = N*Sync
    “Older chick” = Janet Jackson or Cameron Diaz
    The “And It Ain’t” people are also a clue… Justin Theroux (first name, same last initial) and Matthew Morrison has the curly hair.

  25. LostinAusten says

    Justin T? But who is the super-hot exGF? Would we really consider Brit-brit to be “super hot?”

    • KingKatie says

      Whatever you think of her now, she was when they dated in the late 90’s/early 00’s.

    • akajenb says

      I think Ted is throwing us off a bit with the ex, Just wasn’y in a relationship long enough with Janet, Alysa Milano for them to be considered the love of his life.bHe threw Janet under the bus after that superbowl show, and Cameron Diaz there is no way in hell she is considered curvy. Britney, Janet and Alysa are all curvy women.

  26. luckysiu says

    well it’s clearly Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. The question is who is the ex-gf??

    I can only come up with Cameron Diaz, Britney Spears, and Fergie. Britney is his age so she’s out. Cameron isn’t very curvy…..could it be Fergie???

  27. cincytreats says

    J. Timberlake and Janet Jackson!!!!! Ahhh…super bummed bc their kiddos would have had mega-talent!

  28. mehallokitty says

    If I had any doubts about who Jerry was before I certainly don’t anymore — Justin Timberlake FTW

  29. smd1004p says

    ok don’t laugh- the two super references made me think of “super bad”- jonah hill was in super bad and his father is the accountant for guns and roses…”career and life coming up roes”…dating dustin hoffman’s daughter but not sure who the couger was if it is him

  30. definitely says

    Popular guess for jerry rock butt is Justin timberlake and chutney is biel. The only thing in confused about is the ex. I kept thinking Cameron Diaz but “curvy” and “voluptuous” are not words that come to mind w/ her.

  31. PoniTayl says

    Justin Timberlake – Jerry Rock Butt
    Jessica Biel – Current GF / Engaged
    Janet Jackson – The Flame that got Away

    • SnowyHeights says

      I don’t know about Janet. They probably didn’t have more than a fling and if they did, things would have ended rather decisively when he left her to take the heat of the criticism for the wardrobe malfunction at the Superbowl performance. You could tell in her interviews afterward that she wasn’t on good terms with him.

  32. tnm0425 says

    JT and…?

    Surely not Cameron Diaz, I mean she is older, but curvy?!?
    Methinks not.

    Alyssa Milano? Janet Jackson?

  33. BitterBlondin says

    Sounds like Justin Timberlake. I am not familiar with all the fake names but I do recall that Chutney Jones was thought to be Jessica Biel? And the ex would be Cameron I guess?

  34. My2Brows says

    Justin Timberlake for Jerry; Jessica Biel for Chutney, but other than Britney for the ex, I got nothin….

  35. HotTeacher88 says

    Justin Timberlake, the ex being Cameron Diaz. I beg to differ that she’s curvier than Jessica Biel. She’s lamented before about her flat butt. But everything else fits.

  36. MissFaye says

    Jerry Rockbutt is Justin Timberlake still. If anyone doubted, read the last sentence for even more clues (“Cry Me a River” “What Goes Around Comes Around”). I thought the love of his life was Britney, but this isn’t her. Cameron Diaz was way older than him, but is far from voluptuous. Did he ever date Janet Jackson?

  37. escape2 says

    Jerry Rock-Butt is considered to be Justin Timberlake

    so

    the old flame must be Cameron Diaz

    and

    Chutney is Jessica B

  38. Mishabub says

    Trousersnake, Diaz and Bie….zzzzzzzzzzzzzz……..sorry, Jessica Biel? Oh hang on though, voluptuous? Back to drawing board…

  39. insider1970 says

    Meh. I bet everyone else guessed it too.

    My guess: Justin Timberlake, ex-girlfriend: Cameron Diaz, current GG “Chutney Jones” aka Jennifer Biel.

  40. solare1213 says

    Who else but Justin Timberlake, jessica Biel and Cameron Diaz…thst was an easy one, tk u !

  41. PrincessLegolas says

    Would have said Keanu Reeves, but would hardly call Diane Keaton voluptuous…
    JT also sprung to mind but the same can be said of Cameron Diaz..

  42. mandlee says

    is Justin Timberpuss too obvious??him and his personality of a spatula JBiel are engaged according to his Grandma.and his mom seems to run his life…

  43. jeannie says

    Hmmm. Jerry is supposed to be Justin Timberlake right? All the clues fit him (especially the line about “everybody can cry now” – Cry Me a River) but I can’t figure out who the older, voluptuous ex-girlfriend was that he can’t get over. After digging online, the only older women he’s been with appears to be Cameron Diaz (who would be my guess but not curvy), Alyssa Milano, and Fergie.

    • jeannie says

      And for once the “And it ain’t” makes perfect sense. Justin Theroux = same first name and last initial. Mark Walhberg went from music to acting like Timberlake. Matthew Morrison also is a singer/actor with Justin’s old hair.

  44. YesMaam says

    Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel. The Gossips have been spitting about their impending engagement recently.

    DON’T DO IT JT! You still have time!

  45. KatarinaJ says

    Justin timber lake w Cameron Diaz as the ex…she was older than he although the curvy description fits his ex bile more….cam is athletic but trim…Justin Theroux being the Justin clue?

  46. Jordan Joelle says

    Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz? I know she isn’t curvy but I can’t think of a middle aged actress who is curvy and went for a younger man.
    Ryan Gosselin is another man who dates older. So manybe it is him and Sandra Bullock? She isn’t curvy either.

  47. crazycatlady says

    Starring Justin Timberlake as Jerry Rock-Butt and Cameron Diaz as the super hot ex? And of course Jessica Biel as blah Chutney Jones.

  48. tinks53 says

    obviously justin and jessica but I don’t know who the woman is if its cameron she is neirher voluptuous or curvy.

  49. Divide by Zero says

    Isn’t this meant to be Timberlake? In which case the ex must be Cameron Diaz. though i wouldn’t call her curvy since shes pretty boyish. So now I’m confused.