EOnline – Oh King Schl*ng! 
How happy you’re about to make many of your groupies all over the world, when they find out that high profile relationship you’re in don’t mean a thang.
See, King is king for a reason. He’s charming, knows how to command a room, and is good looking in that yeah, I know I’m the s–t kind of way.
So, it only makes sense he found an equally yummy counterpart whom he has flaunted all over the world.
But does she know where her man’s penis plays when she’s away?
Lots of places, really, but one girl she might be super pissed about her man shagging is a well-known L.A. party chick who has bedded the likes of one Shafterella Shoshtein’s boy b*tches, Super Duper-Cooper, and the bisexual star who gave Crescent Kumquat herpes.
Don’t you just love the one degree of Blind Vice separation in this town?
Anyhoo, party honey was pulling her phone out and showing all kinds of dirty texts that King Schlong was sending her while he was supposedly with his pretty babe.
“She’s so stupid,” quipped the preening slut about King’s main gal. “He cheats on her all the time. But he’s good in bed and hot, so I don’t feel bad about it.”
It’s true, King Schlong has his moniker for a reason. He’s quite royally equipped.
And it’s only a matter of time before that gorgeous babe of his catches him putting his jewels where they don’t belong—and calls it off.
Clearly, it’s what the eternal bachelor is aiming for.
And It Ain’t: Joel Madden, Kanye West, Johnny Depp
a musician? Someone from KOL?
Adrien Brody
I thought of him and Paris Hilton, too. But he’s not in a high profile relationship (his girlfriend, who he bought a castle, dumped him for Olivier Martinez and then she got dumped for Halle Barry).
I didn’t realize they had broken up. Dang, so many of the clues fit.
King Schl*ng = King Kong but he hasn’t really got groupies.
Clues seem to be: King, royalty, female counterpart goes away, jewels, eternal and there’s always something with those and it ain’ts
Leo dicaprio? (King, jewel as vague titanic references)
I like this better than Clooney because Bar Rafeli is high profile and I don’t know the name of George’s current random girl (even though they have been together for a while I guess).
I like this too. Good guess.
I like this guess too.
Justin Timberlake with the party girl being Olivia Munn. There was just a report about her showing his texts to everyone at a party. i don’t get Olivia Munn. I don’t find her in the least bit attractive
Fugly face.Each to their own I suppose.
Who is Justin Timberlake dating? Didn’t he break up with Jessica Biel a long time ago?
Yeah, reading this blind is like reading the Life & Style Olivia/JT story without the names.
That’s what I was thinking as I read through this! If it’s not about him, it certainly could be! And I agree with Maybe21…I just don’t get why people are trying to make Olivia Munn happen.
Justin already has a ted blind moniker, can’t remember what it is though. Anyone else?
Jerry Rock Butt, but I think this one is him. Everything points to him, and just about everyone thinks Biel oughta give him the boot.
I’m thinkin’ A-Rod…hmmm…
I like the ARod guess… Was also thinking Russel Brand, but I think the blind would mention that he was married…
Russell has himself admitted that he’s not packing anything huge. . .
JT has a small penis according to legend. In fact a teeny one according to legend.
legend being Britney Spears? She pointed the size of is little one out in one of her documentaries before she had kids….In the Zone and out all night or so.
Gotta be Justin Timberlake. It fits too well. I always thought he and jessica we’re for PR anyways. And i don’t think Britney saying he has a small penis should count ( even though she didn’t say it it all, people just assumed thats what she was referring to). I use fingers like that to to show my level of anger or whatever and so do a lot of people. So her saying she was ” a little bitter” about the breakup most likely had nothing at all to do with his size. But even if she had been referring to that, most ex’s do that when they aren’t to particularly happy with their ex. It’s like the old saying goes. ” the more a woman hates you the smaller your penis gets”
plus mike meyers told everyone that justin has a big penis and they had to digitally make it smaller for the speedo scene in the love guru.
Oh and i remember in 2006 or 07 that guy from the realworld said he was next to justin at the urinal at the vmas and that justin had a bigger penis than he did. This just feels too much like i re reading that life & style article.
More like beardind for each other and pr especially for jessica.
I think Justin already has a BV. I also never get the vibe that Justin is flaunting Jessica around town, as the blind says. It always seems like he’s trying to get away from her and she’s clinging as tight as she can
This so makes me think of Russel Brand.
russell has a small penis – not him
Russel is married to Katy Perry. He can’t be the eternal bachelor.
Plus isn’t he Salami Alter-Ego?
A lot of royalty references so… Prince William?
oh, this is good. The only weird thing is the “eternal bachelor” part…he’s only 30, right?
Exactly what I thought as I read the blind. I hate for it to be true because who doesn’t love a fairytale? Even a jaded, snarky commenter like I am?
- Royalty references seem overt, but Ted also has 2 items about the couple in the past 2 days. He usually mentions his blind subjects during the week he has them in a blind.
- “It don’t mean a thang” IF YOU AN”T GOT THAT RING. (Engagement)
- Never mentions King’s milieu (actor, singer, director, L.A., NYC) that he usually hints to, nor does he reference any profession for the “pretty babe” whom it is assumed we all are aware of.
- “commands a room”, a ruler would.
- “shagging”, “yummy” commonly Brit terms.
- “eternal bachelor”: people have been speculating for ages when he would get married. Since his birth, actually.
*sigh*
BTW Long-time lurker, first-time commenter here. Hi BG!
Hi Sara! Love, BG
Clooney?
this is who I think too
if Clooney never was a Ted C’s blind vice,i’m with your team
I’m going with Clooney on this one too.
I thought it was him too. Eternal Bachelor who never wants to marry.
Wait a minute – last week the blind was about A list oscar winner who was in the closet and couldn’t come out because he would no longer get the awesome leading roles and everyone said oh for sure its Clooney!
So one week Clooneys in the closet and the next week he’s not. Make up your minds people!
About your blind item,i think he’s Kevin Spacey
Agreed, George Clooney FTW!
Totally Clooney…
Ted Casablanca has made a mistake here – he previously said that Crescent Kumquat got herpes off his female publicist, and that *she* caught it from the bisexual star. Who I’d guess is Bradley Cooper.
Anyway, after trying to unravel the clues, I’ve come up with Cameron Diaz as the L.A. party chick maybe? Apparently she was with Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin for New Year – could he be a fit for for King S.?
CLOONEY!
I can’t believe Junior Mint was the first to guess this one.
The “eternal bachelor” is the dead giveaway here. Can’t think of anyone else that good-looking in Hollywood that fits better than him.
Brad Pitt?
I agree.
Yeah, that’s who I thought of too.
I’m thinking George Clooney. Justin Timber lake Is Jerry Rocker Butt
Clooney has never beena Ted a bv
Clooney is into dudes…I’ll go with Hmmmm..this one I have to think about.
George did a movie called Three Kings
It never indicates the level of commitment here….so I’m going to go out on a limb and guess it might not exclude a married man.
Jay-Z…just cause.
“Eternal bachelor” would exclude a married man.
It might be a clue to something else. A song or a movie with the word “bachelor” in. Ted C likes to play around. I don’t think we can rule out married men.
Jay z cheats all the time, beyonce has no say in that relationship which is all pr.
Per another gossip site, Ted says that Brad, Clooney and Leo have already been blind vices in the past, along with Timberlake. That being said, I have no stinkin’ guess at all!
Sounds like Russell Brand.
He’s married.
This is sorta out there since he is married but how about Tom Brady? Or Joe Jonas? (the groupie thing matches, but he is probably too young to be an eternal bachelor, and I think he might like the mens.)
Due to the groupie comment, I go musician. So my guess is Adam Levine, especially after the naked photo of him a few weeks ago. He has a supermodel girlfriend – who used BOTH her hands to cover his schlong.
Now, what was it Joan Rivers said on Fashion Police last week re the photo? To paraphrase: If you’re a young woman with a car in Hollywood who hasn’t slept with Adam or John Mayer then you’re lazy.
Got to love her!
Hahahha!I love Joan!Thanks for that gem
The Cloon has an average peen. Trust.
Bah ha, ha… plus his “girlfriend” is such a beard you can almost make out elizabetha’s adam’s apple!
I’ve always thought Elsabetta looked liked a waxed Eli Roth.
Maybe it’s me…
Derek Jeter.
Alexander Skarsgard and Kate Bosworth.
“King” references for his name Alexander (aka king Alexander the Great), and the “eternal bachelor” clue is not literal I think, it’s a metaphor for his most famous part as a vampire in “True Blood”. Vampires are eternal bachelors aren’t they?
Plus, I just noticed the “don’t mean a thang” phrase in the blind instead of “thing. Maybe pointing to “fangs” aka vampire teeth?
Not if they’re married.
Skarsgard is (sadly) supposed to be gay.
But they are not married! And as you say, he is “supposed” to be gay, but isn’t it the case with half (if not all) Hollywood hunks?
Got to be JT. Trousersnake/king schl*ng being the clue, and Olivia Munn showing texts off him to people at a party was widely reported, the first place if memory serves me Radar Online.
Shafterella = Reece Witherspoon,
Crescent Kumquat = Chace Crawford
Super Duper Cooper = ??
huffington post covered it, as well
Justin Timberlake or Caleb Followill (in my dreams)?
Between the ‘groupies all over the world’ and ‘knows how to command a room’ descriptions, I’d say King Schlong is a live performer, probably in the music field. The ‘good looking in that yeah, I know I’m the s–t kind of way’ indicates he’s probably both unmistakably handsome and known for his swagger and attitude.
Put it all together, and Leo, George C, and Brad Pitt just don’t ‘measure’ up. Caleb F has the attitude and swagger, and while I don’t think he’s unattractive, he’s not classic heart throb material either. Same for Justin, and since he hasn’t performed in awhile, I’d say he’s out too.
I’m placing my bet on Maroon 5′s Adam Levine, although with the subject of this blind’s name being King, it could mean he’s Caleb after all.
Bottom line: either Adam Levine or Caleb Followill
Unfortunately, I think it’s my boy Leo
The clues being “king,” king of the world from Titanic, “jewel,” Blood Diamond, and he is considered an eternal bachelor!
Oh yea, and the picture is of Johnny Depp. He was in Whats Eating Gilbert Grape with him!
Nice rationale. May have to join you on this guess.
Simon Cowell. He is charming and an eternal bachelor.
has he groupies?
Yoda you are? Sorry couldn’t resist!
Derek Jeeter
SEAN COMBS AKA P.DIDDY
Leo, he’s “king of the wooorlld”. But he’s not really hot anymore. Altho Bar Rafeali definitely doesn’t strike me as being very smart.
Leo D!
this was a huffington post story about justin timberlake and olivia munn, almost verbatim, days ago. here is the link to the article
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/19/justin-timberlake-texting_n_810899.html
who is the party girl???
Olivia Munn?
Kim Kardashian?
Paris Hilton?