EOnline – Darlings, we were going to give you a New Moon Vice update, but for all of you who are so sick of vampires you could cry blood, we’ll reward you by bringing back an oldie but yummy goodie.
Remember Crotch Uh-Lastic, the hunky, rising male star who would hire men to come back to his Hills pad, dress up in some swim trunks and get the naughty party started?
We can’t believe it’s almost been two years, but Crotch has officially risen, like a hunky hero out of burning celeb-saturated waters! Mr. Uh-Lastic has solidified himself as a respected Hollywood actor, which means it’s time to be even more discreet ’bout his homolicious ways…
See, Crotch would love to go out, hit up the gay scene and bring himself back a cutie. But as the fagola Hollywood story goes, he so cannot out himself.
Not because he cares about being famous. No, Toothy Tile Crotch is not. Instead, CUL is more concerned how his sexuality would hinder the roles he gets, ’cause he’s now being taken oh so seriously. He loves acting—not the ritzy lifestyle that comes with it. He doesn’t even care that much about hurting his beard (if Toothy outted himself, it would be very damning to the both of them, in many, many ways).
So what’s a horny, dude-loving guy to do?
Sic his assistant on the unknowing gay population of Los Angles, natch. Only problem is the de-lish men in West Hollywood are totally starting to catch on—and they’re blabbin’ about it, too! Halle-homo-lujah!
Mr. Lastic’s assistant frequents the standard WeHo gay bars, successfully luring back men for his famous master. Too funny: It’s also the exact same dude-fishing MO Furrowed Frank uses when he has his trainer lure future conquests for him at the gym!
Only problem is, if said man isn’t interested in hooking up with Crotch on the down-low, the guy has no reason not to spread it around to his gossip-lovin’ friends. Seems pretty strange to us, as Mr. U.-L. is as hunky doable as they come.
And as sneaky as Crotch would like to be, more and more people ’round town are starting to hear about what goes down, literally, up in his Hollywood home. And it’s not just poolside, folks.
Think any of these guys will out dear old Crotchy soon? Doubtful. With his adorable dimples, more men will jump at the chance to jump CUH and then shut up about it after than won’t. But remember, it only takes one.
And It Ain’t: Alexander Skarsgård, Matthew Fox, Ryan Phillippe
As a reminder, Crotch has pretty much been proven to be James Franco.
Here’s the full, updated list of And It Ain’ts:
The Rock, Matthew Broderick, P Diddy, Tobey Maguire, Topher Grace, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Downey Jr., Ryan Gosling, Josh Harnett, Ryan Phillipe, Kevin Spacey, Adam Brody, Chris Kattan, Brody Jenner, John Mayer, Derek Hough, Alexander Skarsgard, Matthew Fox, Ryan Phillippe.
I heard a BI before that sounded like this and some say it was Franco
jske g
jake g
Jake is Toothy Tile. Or so most believe.
Bradley Cooper
I don’t see Bradley Cooper as a serious actor and I can see him being replace easily…as I think James Franco seems like a broadway/drama/suspense actor…and the first B.I said that “he was up and coming, actually up and coming for years now” he was in Freaks and Geeks in the 90’s
He’s bankable and I think that’s what Ted means….He’s
hot finally. The Hangover made mega bucks, I think it’s Bradley Cooper.
Actually, for some reason, Bradley Cooper should have been on the And It Ain’t List and wasn’t. Ted said in his August 27th Bitch-Back that it wasn’t BCoop.
James Franco…taking him serious, maybe because of the General Hospital a soap opera with lots of drama. I’ve always thought that he was Bisexual not gay, he just gives that vibe
It’s def Franco.sigh
I love how you straight girls think you know what a ‘gay vibe’ is.
This is why so many guys go under the radar, you don’t have a clue what to look for! You’re all looking for guys with painted nails and talking with lisps!
That is crazy talk. Give some of us credit … we can pick up on subtle clues from time to time.
I think that’s more of a guy thing. I think girls are less likely to judge by stereotypes, however if they are attracted to said guy, the gaydar fails completely.
I could bit on to this idea, but who’s Franco’s beard?
Brad Cooper has Renee as a beard…. just saying.
I just read this today – Franco’s girlfriend is an unknown actress. Her name is Ahna O’Neill and unfortunately for her, won a role in a movie called Herpesboy. I don’t know whether to laugh at or cry for her. I guess work is work.
“Ahna” – considering how much her parents hate her, I think being a beard is the least of her worries!
I always thought the delectable Franco was bi as well. Mind you, I just assume all HW actors are anyway.
Franco came to mind first, but he doesn’t have a beard, does he?
he has a girlfriend Ahna O’Reilly and she isn’t a well known name…for the record, I really really like James and I wish It wasn’t true. The one that also came to my mind was Zac Efron, I don’t know why
Yeah, she’s a no Shafterella Shoshstein! I don’t know if it’s them, but all the clues FIT. This is def sup to be Franco/O’Reilly/Jake/Reese
yes, he’s “dating” ahna o’reilly
I like James Franco, but can he really be described as “hunky doable as they come”? Your mileage may vary, there are a lot of people who would call him downright fugly. (I’m remaining neutral on the issue, I’m just throwing it out there.)
He was voted as having “Best Smile” in high school.
He modelled for Gucci (cologne).
He was voted one of People magazine’s hottest bachelors.
I don’t understand what people would call him ‘fugly’, or what THEIR idea of hunky-doable is (but I shudder to think).
Um, not me!
It’s definitely J.Franco. This is an old BV item but it’s being brought back now.
I don’t get his appeal, there’s something strange about him.
More like something sexy.
The first 2 Crotch BVs seemed totally Franco. But he lives in NYC full-time & put his LA home on the market months ago. If it said East Village gay bars though, I’d think it’s 100% Franco.
Let’s be Franco (corny, I know) – this is probably him. I think his sexuality should be the least of his concerns. Have you seen pics of him lately? That dude is on drugs. Major DRUGS.
Possibly, but he also is totally over-extended & never seems to sleep btwn class, filming & various appearances here in NYC. Not ruling out drugs, but I think that his schedule has caused some of the aging.
James is prob such a serious actor he only uses drugs for character study (ie pineapple expres). Seriously, I love him and could care less if he was gay. I think Ted is kinda trying to be nice here saying he’s no TT.
what about mario lopez? no?
Mario’s got some of the cutest dimples I’ve seen. (So does Eddie Cibrian …but I don’t think this is him…)
But Damn! Wouldn’t that be hot?? Eddie Cibrian – a top with the ladies, a big ol’ sloppy bottom with the boys…
LOL!
Hilarious!
James Franco recently hit on my friend, an NYU student, at Starbucks here in New York. She is very much a girl and not a boy. He is living in New York mostly full time and not LA so it cannot be him.
Sara,
I agree with you – Franco lives in NY.
Is Zac too young, he’s now getting into serious roles, well at least one?
I’ll go with Jonathan Rhys Meyers because of the term “famous master”. He plays King Henry VIII. That’s all I got.
But doesn’t James Franco live in NY? The BI says “hollywood hills home”. I’m not really convinced it’s him. Who are some other rising stars with dimples??
What about Sam Worthington? Just something about how the blind is written, the lingo used. “goes down, literally” , makes me think of Australia aka Down Under. And just other general words (i’m australian, he way it’s written, the slang sounds very aussie to me). And he’s been everywhere this week, on TV, won GQ man of the year, Avatar is out soon, Ryan Phillipe is dating an aussie. . . yeah, i have nothing!! Just thought i would throw another name in the mix
Can’t be Zac. He wasn’t living in the Hollywood Hills until a year ago , and the Blind from two years ago clearly states that the guy was living in the hills then. Before that he lived in Toluca Lake/North Hollywood on Camarillo St in the Park Toluca condos.
Jason Bateman? Robert downey JR?
RDJ isn’t a “rising star”, he’s been around for ages. We are looking for someone much younger i think, with a career that is only starting to heat up, unless i’m mis-reading this BI?
Does James have dimples? I checked out more pics on IMDB and I didn’t see any dimples. Ted gave up that clue on a silver platter for us!
Bradley Cooper has lived in Venice since 2004.
Got to be Mario Lopez….. great dimples..
Before I even got to the comments I was thinkin rat face Bradley Cooper. I don’t know what everyone else is thinking about James Franco, he seems like the type that if he was gay, he would just BE gay. No hidden agendas there.
It can’t be Mario Lopez since no one considers him a serious actor!
Josh Lucas? I know he seems to not work much but he has dimples…?
Then can someone tell me what his assistant looks like. I’ll tackle him in SM Blvd to get up that hill. LOL!
Scott Wolf
If this blind was from 15 years ago, maybe
Scott Wolf is gay, but I always wondered about Mario Lopez. Wasn’t he using Eva Longoria as his fag hag for a while? He also has great dimples and he become a regular on Nip Tuck. He’s also pretty hunky and toothy.
Ali Landry got her marriage annulled from him b/c he was photographed picking up a woman in a tx bar (HOuston?) a few weeks after the wedding. Always thought male slut for him but w/ women.
“halle-homo-llujah.” Could it be someone who has or will soon star with Halle Berry?
i like this approach. Wait … what about Hugh Jackman? Worked with Halle in X-men, he’s considered ‘hunky’ as well.
The “it only takes one” seems like a big clue, i can’t get it off my mind. What could that possibly refer to?
& just checked Halle’s upcoming projects. The next movie she’s in co-stars Stellan Skarsgård. And Alexander Skarsgård is mentioned as AIA. So, i am convinced that there is a Halle connection.
Everything about it sounds like Franco, but as many have pointed out, he does live in New York full-time now and has for a year. That doesn’t mean he’s not gay, though, and neither does his “flirting” with a girl in Starbucks.
Yes, the Starbucks thing means NOTHING!
Franco only moved to NY recently to go to Columbia. Before he was LA based going to UCLA. It is very possible he has 2 homes people!
The actor who plays Sawyer on LOST has great dimples and is super hunky. I forget his name… Josh _____?
Mario Lopez’s dimples will be on display at the next Miss America Pageant in January.
Viggo Mortenson
Matt Bomer from White Collar.