EOnline – No, this isn’t the soapy made-up stuff on ABC. This is real-life desperation, babes, Hollywood-style!
There’s an aging celeb couple in town who have been pretty damn lucky with their love life, for many years. Sure, they’ve had their ups and downs (both professionally and personally), but Perka Penis-Player and Schlamm Butt-Wiggle have still managed to stick it out for the tabloid-headlined long haul—miraculously so.
Everybody said they wouldn’t make it. But so far, they have—at least for appearance’s sake.
Maybe that’s because Perka’s a broad who’s willing to do whatever it takes (in her rather sex-kitten-ish, stereotyped eyes) to hold onto her still-doable guy, despite the fact that his very nice ass has dropped as much as his box-office appeal these days. So what does “whatever it takes” require Perka to engage in? Plastic surgery, perhaps? Oh gawd, that was years ago.
No, now it’s time for crafty Ms. Penis-Player to move on the next part of her bod that needs lifting. Can you guess what it is? Ass or eyes, you ask?
Wrong! Her hands! OMG, what will these Frankenstein Beverly Hills plastic surgeons think of next! Is a knee lift next? Don’t tell me: It probably already exists.
Nevertheless, it’s Perka who’s now gone through the recent and incredibly weird process of having her hands lifted, as if that’s the part of her anatomy that’s gonna get Schlamm’s schlong in gear. Maybe it will—I don’t know what the hell makes people hot for each other, anymore.
But dare I say it’s all a waste of time? You see, as of late, Schlamm’s own digits are notorious for touching everything but that Penis-Player he’s been shackin’ up with for eons.
Why do couples go on like this? Just call it a day and go screw who you like, already!
And It Ain’t: Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin; Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks; Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford
Sly Stallone and Jennifer Flavin?
I think they’re married, aren’t they?
Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn
What Catiesd said! Kurt and Goldie!
This was my first thought. Either them or Susan Sarandon & Tim Robbins.
Them
I really like the Goldie and Kurt guess, but I really hope it’s someone else like Susan and Tim.
The only thing that puts me off of Melanie and Antonio being the couple in question is that they are married and not “shacking up”, but it sounds like something she would be desperate enough to do.
Probably, all that sun damage plus time….not pretty
I thought of this guess too because a while back, one of the sights posted a picture of Goldie Hawn shopping and the first thing I saw was her hands! They were really (I’m sorry) unsightly. . . they looked like they needed a lift. Kurt & Goldie have been shacking for eons, so this is also my guess
melanie griffith and antonio banderas
agree
I’m with “me” on this one! Maybe her stint in “rehab” was really a stint in “rehand”?
They’re married. The BI says “shacked up with for eons”.
Michael Douglas and CZJ
That was my 1st guess as well.
Again, they’re married. The BI says “shacked up with for eons”.
MizFab – it never says they AREN’T married, it just doesn’t specify that they are. I would rule out these 2 though because Michael hasn’t been do-able in several decades
I’m gonna say Melanie Griffith and Antonio. Going into rehab gives her the perfect alibi for slipping in a little nip and tuck while she’s at it. Besides, of all the couples I can think of, Melanie seems the least skittish when it comes to drastic procedures.
I agree with this guess and I think the couple could be married or unmarried. Antonio and Melanie OR Kurt and Goldie
Melanie and Antonio
Catherine Zeta and Michael Douglas?
Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgewick?
Once again, they’re married. The BI says “shacked up with for eons”.
Why do the names Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker spring up first in my mind?
Probably because her hands are the scariest, ever. I’m older than she is, yet my hands look at least 20 yrs. younger than hers.
As scary as Madonna’s? She definitely needs hand surgery!
Yes! This was the first couple I thought of!
I thought of them too.
Susan Sarandon & Tim Robbins
Does she still have “sex-kittenish” eyes? She used to but she’s really looking her age these days…
And her eyes ARE kind of unique…like Bette Davis’s…which, are, of course, iconic.
I thought Melanie and Antonio until I got to the end and it said they had been shacking up for ages. That makes me think they aren’t married.
Goldie and Kurt.
Yep, Goldie and Kurt. The “Perka” nickname especially makes me think of Goldie.
Warren Beatty/Annette Benning
Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel (not married)
Steven Speilberg and Kate Capshaw (it doesn’t say both are actors)
Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas
Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (not married)
Robert Redford and Sibylle Szaggars (don’t know if they ever got married)
Long shot: Woody Allen and his daughter/wife
Diane Lane and Josh Brolin
Richard Gere and his wife
Out of all the non-married couples, Kurt Russell is the only one that would even be considered “still doable.” It’s definitely Kurt and Goldie.
I’ve been away for a few days, but I must defend Tim Robbins as being DEFINITELY still doable (and Susan, too, for the record).
The Governator and Maria Shriver?
Sarah-Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick (she has hands like Madonna and the names sort of match the blind)
Courtney Cox and David Arquette
David Douche and Tea Leony (sp?) (been together longer than I ever would have bet)
John Travolta and Kelly Preston (questionable whether he is “doable”)
How long have Brad and Angelina been together now? Long enough to be “long haul” by Hollywood standards?
goldie hawn and kurt russell my first and only guess!
Warren Beatty/Annette Benning
felicity huffman and william h macy? i dunno, i just saw ABC and “desperation” which made me think of Desperate Housewives.
Demi and Ashton??
Clues: “soapy”–she started out on General Hospital
“plastic surgery a while ago”–she paid like a million bucks to overhaul her whole body before that Charlies angels movie.
“His career ain;t so hot”—whats he done lately besides those camera commercials?
His new show, The Beautiful Life, also just got canceled. So yeah, his career is far from hot right now.
I was thinking Demi and Ashton too. The way I read this, she’s the aging one & he’s the “do-able” one. Could also be Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas though…
its clearly kurt and goldie. bg goes out of its way to imply non-married status. i wouldnt say kurts career aint so hot though. death proof was awesome. and he’s a legend.
I second this. Sounds totally reasonable.
Naw, I think this guess is way off. Does anyone else think Goldie might be suffering from a form of dementia? I saw her give out an award in England last year and she seemed a little lost and couldn’t quite get the words on the prompter right which she covered up with her signature giggle. But it came out a little too awkward. She didn’t seem drunk or on drugs, just not quite all there. Can’t see her, or her live in mate, caring about her hands.
When I see “desperate” and ABC I go to Will H Macy and Felicity Huffman.
Can someone translate this blind for me?
Perka Penis-Player: is female, actress(?), may have three names and may be hyphenated surnames. Her career has been on hold for sometime. Has sex-kitten-ish, stereotyped eyes. Perka is a broad who’s willing to do whatever it takes.
Schlamm Butt-Wiggle: is male, actor(?), his career was recently hot, but is now in the doldrums (like hers). May have three names and may be hyphenated surnames. He has been cheating on her for sometime. Still-doable guy. His very nice ass has dropped as much as his box-office appeal these days.
Clues:
* aging celeb couple
* have been pretty damn lucky with their love life, for many years
* shackin’ up with for eons.
* Soap operas? (perhaps on ABC network TV)
* they’ve had their ups and downs (both professionally and personally)
* Everybody said they wouldn’t make it
* have still managed to stick it out for the tabloid-headlined long haul
Gene Simmons & Shannon Tweed?
This is a really good guess – the best so far because of the shacking up clue. And, Shannon is definitely a fan of nipping & tucking.
Ohhhh, but it says “box-office appeal”. Despite the Reality show, these two don’t rate as actors, do they?
But Gene Simmons “doable”? Yuk!
Defintely Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick
* Both Aging
* Cheating rumors around Matthew Broderick recently
* Soap Opera – SJP Sex and the City
* Matthew Broderick looks like he has a fat arse
But they’re married? Or am I confusing her with Carrie Bradshaw?
Yep, Sarah Jessica Parker is married to Matthew Broderick. And there have been rumours about marriage troubles.
Demi and Ashton
Angelina & Brad. Seriously, have you seen her hands, they are the scariest thing ever!!!