EOnline – Our superfamous naughty couple today is by no means as interesting as Hard-N*pple Nick and his megastar wife. Quite the opposite, in fact. Sorry! But get this:
It’s high time everybody met Jerry Rock-Butt and Chutney Jones—an insanely gorgeous duo. The stars (one A-List, one B-List, sorta) have been dating for a couple of years now and they’re the epitome of dull, dull, dull. Bland expressions when they’re out together, same routine dinners, blah blah and more blah. Yech, already.
But it wasn’t always that way, we assure you:
JR-B has always been a ladies’ man, and has quite the track record of bedded A-List hotties. Not that he always made it to a mattress, but you get the general idea, I’m sure. Oh, and these exes of Jare’s never let him lose his hard-partying ways. They were supersmart about that—quite unlike how stupidass (tightass) Chutney’s being with Jerry now.
See, Rock-Butt is no druggy—don’t get us wrong. But when he’s out with the boys or in a crazy mood, he doesn’t mind dabbling in the occasional Hollywood party favor: coke. J will do a couple of lines here and there, just to help him get his dance and flirt on.
But Chutney isn’t having any of that. Not that we condone drugs here at the A.T., but C.J. is just as pissed that Jerry does blow as she is that Jerry has fun! She’s such a stick in the overly coiffed spa mud, and she sure as hell isn’t any fun to take out—and that, of course, means Mr. Rock-Butt shouldn’t be out and about either, so Chutney thinks.
Well…let’s just say Jerry’s been sneaking off to Vegas a bit more than usual, as a result. Sin City is where Jare gets all his sins outta his system, fer sure.
And we think Jerry has had it with his leecher girlfriend. They’ve been on rocky ground for a while, and studly J is starting to miss the nightlife and bevy of hot female fans. And trust, this sexalicious guy could have practically anyone. Guys or girls. But he chooses the latter, despite his metro-esque appeal.
Here’s hoping JR-B ditches the douche ball and chain and goes back to the single life. Preferably for his first love. Now they were a fit like no other.
And It Ain’t: Sean “Diddy” Combs, Ryan Phillippe, Emile Hirsch
C’mon, this is clearly Justin Timberlake.
i came to the same conclusion at paragraph 3
His first love? That’s right damn it. It’s Britney b*.
obvious jt and biels ex is brit brit
Agreed. “tighta*” = Biel, who works out like she wants to win Mr. Olympia.
justin and jessica
definitely jessica biel and justin timberlake
soooooo obvious!
I can’t help but think that this is justin tiberlake and whatsherface jessica “lamea*” biel
most certainly jessica and justin
Both Emile Hirsch and Justin Timberlake have played in “Alpha Dog”. That sounds like a clue…
i never guessed them;( wat gave it away guys?
Honestly for me it was the spa mention, because JB was at a “spa weekend” with her girlfriends, and she is supposed to be a pain in the butt and calls yelling at him all the time, and they look miserable right now when they do go out together.
As I was reading this I was thinking Jennifer Love Hewitt & Jamie Kennedy, but now that I’m reading Jess & Jus, I think it’s a MUCH better answer!
yeah it says an insanely gorgeous duo… that would count out Jlove and jamie, huh?
I’m no fan of Biel’s but if JT is doing drugs she shouldn’t put up with it. Let the fool go back to Britney or Cameron. I don’t believe I’m going to say this but I’m with Jessica on this. These aging boy banders all act like frat boys.
Plastic, thank God for someone with sense on here! Just because Justin is famous, who cares. I’d dump any guy who is getting high and acting like a frat boy any day. Sometimes what people call boring is really what should be called ‘common sense.’
i agree. but she needs to stop being a pain and just cut the strings.
well i guess hollyweird wil do that to you,i agree i think cameron has a drug problem as well according to a blind item
i think he is tired of her and tries to escape from her and please dont defend this girl she is known from tipping the papzs whenever they go walk the dogs or at a restaurant she is the queen of clinghard. She also has a smart publicist who spreads engagment rumours when a breakup rumour is flowing around
Definitely Justin and Jessica. Britney is obviously the first love.
I like the Jessica and Justin, but what about Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy?
They don’t ever look bland or expressionless to me. They’re crazy!!
JR= Justin Randall Timberlake!
call me silly but I kind of want to see JT back with Britney, I think he would be good for her, get her back on track properly, maybe ever get her away from the leeches in her life.
Christina, I am a big “mooshy-heart” too and would love to see them together! It would be such a sweet ending to a really messed up time in her life! She needs somebody who knows the fame and can handle it. Maybe I’m just hormonal!
How would he get her back on track if he is into partying and ocassional cocaine?
in what world is Jessica B-List? More like D. Even her chachas go straight to DVD. that said, totally them. JT is not at all attractive to me but dang he was slummin’ the day he hit that.
This is SOOOOOO Jessica “I’ll cling to JT til the day i die” Biel.
Justin and Jess…they always look like they’re miserable! I don’t know about insanely gorgeous, I think she’s pretty. I don’t think Justin’s gorgeous, but he seems very charming.
I agree that JT is not gorgeous; never mind “insanely gorgeous!”
i have never found jt the least bit physically attractive.
justin, and i know nothing about him.
yea it’s definitely justin and Queen Clinghard, i really wish he would go back to britney, they were made for each other.
Biel is like SUPER GLUE, he’ll need a chisel and hammer to get rid of her.
Okay, but Jessica sounds like the more level headed of the two. Let Justin get back with Britney so they can do drugs and act like teenagers forever. yuck.
timberfake bragged about doing blow with the black rappers who produced his album to bond with them. even intimated H. biel is barely B and he is totally A.
solved. sadly. so many idiots into drugs while others would love to have complete lives.
sometimes i am so glad i dropped out of hweird.
barry you seem to make the right choice
Well fair f***s to her, whoever she is (totally Biel). He and his friends are probably tedious halfwits when they’re drunk or coked off their trolley. Team GlumGirl….
did anyone else read this as Reese & Jake being the blind?
Yes, they were my first thought, but after reading Justin/Jessica it seemed an even better fit.
YEs I did and I thought maybe it was only me!
Well I thought Jen G and Ben A but then it said girlfriend/boyfriend.. so then I thought it’s gotta be Reese and Jake.. but JT and JB makes oodles of sense.
P
At first I thought it was Reese & Jake, but Ted C seems to have a hard on for Jake being Toothy Tile.
Didn’t Justin take off to London to party without Jessica and she was pouting about being left out. Maybe Vegas is a cover for London.
stupida* = Biel.
FOR 100 PERCENT SURE
Justin Timberlake.
i thought of jessica alba and in-it-for-the Cash warren. they always look grumpy together
Although this one wasn’t as painful as usual, is it just me or do we need secret decoder rings to read Ted Casablanca’s BI’s??? Please tell me I’m not alone!!!
I 100% agree. I understand Ted is trying to be witty. But the dude just goes overboard with the flowery language. Just spill the deets and be done with it Ted.
Well put! Reading a TC blind is like having your toenails pulled out one by one. Painful.
um, why?
Justin and Jessica, yeah. They always look miserable together in public.
Justin and Jessica. He always looks miserable and like he’d rather be anywhere but with her. The OTT grope-a-thon tongue-fest for the cameras and paps they did at one of the Laker’s games a couple months ago didn’t dispel my belief that they’re a fake and miserable together.
I don’t blame him for wanting free if he misses being able to hang with his friends and being able to go out when he wants. He’s a big boy.
But I’m with Ms. Stick-In-the-Mud on not wanting her man to do drugs–I don’t think that’s an outrageous request when you’re in a relationship.
That’s rank and reeks of desperation.
She must have some dirt on him, otherwise I don’t get why he keeps her around.
He’s the much bigger star compared to her–he doesn’t need her to make money, heck he’s got enough money so he never has to work again if he didn’t want to.
Without him, Biel would fade away and be remembered as the chick who got booted from 7th Heaven for taking her clothes off.
The thing I don’t get is why does Jessica care? If the two are mutual beards, as the common view of these two, why would Jessica care if he is doing drugs? Could we view this as her really caring about him?
i guess their pr peope set them up, i heard this happens often in hollywood. this is why you dont see some of the celebrities with the people they truely love. it is all about image, sad but true, i am glad i live in the real word instead of a fake one.
Beards? People think Justin is gay? Was britney a beard as a teenager too? I don’t think so.
If Justin is so miserable what exactly is keeping him from just dumping her??
First couple that came to mind: Posh and Becks.
But they are married. However, the woman always looks stone faced, and he looks the same when he is around her.
Otherwise, I like the Justin and Jess guess. But I only really saw it after the “first love” bit. I miss Pinky and Stinky also.
Call him, Britbrit!!!
who understands this?
LOL! not me…
Isn’t JT’s middle name Randall? JR-B
justin and jessica.
“sexalicious” a clue for his song sexy back?
Even though they have been over here and there I say Nick & Vanessa… For Tony Roma to do a Bday eve break up on the heels of last weeks confirmation of a split with Vanessa in all the tabloids? beauty is in the eye of the beholder and maybe EOnline is a sentimental softy that thinks back to the “Newly Wed” days… lol
Hey Whatevah! Raises a good point.. what if this is Tony Romo and Jesssica Simpson?!!?!!?!
i know it isn’t but wouldn’t it be HYSTERCIAL if it was Brangalina???? LOL, but like someone earlier pointed out, Ted only uses one name per star and Angie has her own name already.